I could kill him right now, but I love him too much. The lack of responsibility he exhibited last night could have endangered himself and or others and he should have ended up in jail. I had such a nice day yesterday and Josh sure knows how to end it with a bang. Technically it was today, after 4 am to be exact. So, let me just start from the beginning…

Dropped off the car to get fixed this morning, all Josh of course. I got a Ford Fusion that I am in love with. Josh went to work and I took Jashar over to my friend Alana’s so they could play a bit. I still can’t tell if they’re gonna be friends when they get older. Jashar acts differently when around Tanner. He doesn’t hug and kiss him like his other friends and he just plays with Tanner’s toys as opposed to playing with him. It’s so strange to see when I know how he’s reacted with other children. But who knows, I’m just probably reading too much into it. After his nap I to him over to Chris’s to hang out with him and Brittany, two of my best friends. The interaction between Chris and Jashar was amazing. He has a beautiful way with kids. He made up this rocket ship game with him that so so enduring to watch seeing the pure joy and excitement in my son’s eyes. Jahsar activates an imaginative energy in Chris that I feel he needs to access more often. It made me feel like he’s better with kids than I am! They definitely formed a bond yesterday. We walked up to Pane Dolci and got gelato in 60 degree weather. But that’s how we do it in South Florida, and it was delicious. Vodka, ice cream, amaretti macaroons, and weed..what more could one ask for. After I picked Josh up he said he wanted to go do studies but decided he wanted to spend the evening with me. Bullshit. After his shower it changed to kava then he wanted to meet up with his friend Josh who’s working to become a police officer and works at Fat Tuesdays. But he wasn’t going to drink…despite the fact that he was meeting up with a “drinking buddy”. He knew I would prefer him not to go and he said he wouldn’t be long. Yeah right. I went to bed around 11 and woke up at 2 to a text from him at midnight saying he was coming home soon. I texted him and he said he was coming home now. Waiting, waiting… 3am…phone is off. I start texting drinking buddy Josh who tells me he was working tonight and didn’t see Josh. Almost 4 by now, and I can only assume he’s cheating on me, dead in the street, or arrested. I didn’t know what to do. He comes in shortly after and starts screaming at me about not picking up my phone. “What are you talking about! you even didn’t call me, your phone is off!” I exclaimed.

I hate it when he gets like this, starts saying shit like leave me alone and acting like an intoxicated, volatile child. After he laid down, he told me he felt like he might throw up and he never meant to get this way…he thought he had been pacing himself. He tells me it was lucky someone he knew found him. Found him where?! Asleep at the stoplight right outside our neighborhood! I started shaking with every emotion I could think of. This is a whole new level of fucking up. How could he! On probation! The cops found him asleep in our rental car at the stoplight of sunrise and 13Th next to the Huslter. Apparently he use to train with one of the officers and they allowed him to drive home the remaining 2000 feet while they followed him. I was crying so much this morning. How did he not roll into the center off the road or crash into a traffic pole! He could have killed himself! He could have killed someone else! He should have gone to jail with a DUI! Then what the fuck would we have done?! What would I have done…I don’t know. I can’t handle another life altering expense like that from him. I’m still shaking. Every time I’ve yelled at him for drinking and driving and he tells me I don’t have to worry, he’s responsible, he won’t do it again, he’s got in under control….I trust him to have judgement and responsibility and think about himself and his family. He better find that woman that spared him and thank her. He better thank his lucky stars that he’s never had before. I don’t know where this guardian angel came from, but I thank God for it and hope it sticks around.