Jealousy is such a funny thing. I don’t know the root of it, and I don’t know why it happens. I just know that it happens to me and I don’ know how to control it. Actually that’s not true. I do control it. If I didn’t I would do way more things condemning me as a true crazy bitch. If I let that side truly take over I would totally have a drone copy made of Josh’s phone so I could see all incoming and outgoing communication and know for sure if he is straying out on me. I would even if I could have a magical camera that could hone in on his location at any current and past point and see and hear what he is doing. I would have access to everywhere he has driven the car to make sure it’s not over to some other bitch’ house. I don’t think he is and nothing he is doing is warranting these thoughts except for his past actions and the laundry list of ways that he has hurt me, some of which are in the past 365 days alone. He’s always come home, but that doesn’t always mean much these days. Relationships aren’t even safe in the work place. I still wish I could know what the girl looks like that he told me he started to fuck in the stairwell by the pool deck of the Hilton Hotel on the beach a few months back. He told me he went out that day to ruin his life, and apparently mine as well for that matter. He is still learning that everything he does has an effect on me. Yes, this is that fresh and I chose to forgive him. It was shortly after my birthday if I remember correctly. He’s always had a knack for doing something shitty around that time. He told me that he stopped himself mid penetration, entering the nameless girl from behind without a condom for that matter because he loves me. That’s true love, right…The night he busted the TV was because I brought it up. He said to me something to the effect of, “Are you ever gonna let this go?” It just fucking happened! Or I should say the fucking just happened…I have to put things past myself that would take some people a lifetime and a half to get over or possibly never. Benefit of the doubt has been my middle name for quite some time now. So in a sense he has made me this way, or has only aided in increasing my already inherent ability to become jealous.

Maybe we are not suppose to be with the same person forever, because it allows us to start over and become people that we weren’t before. Just like moving to a different city allows us to push restart, do relationships have a similar effect on us? Don’t we become different versions of the same soul with each alternate soul that we encounter and connect with? Those different souls bring out different elements in us that otherwise would not have come to the surface. Are different people the catalyst for change that each of us need…Then what can be said for loyalty and sharing your life with someone, ride or die…is it all just a fantasy of bullshit? What is the right way to live? Is there one?

What people say is true about kids by the way, having them completely ruins your sex life. You can try with all your might but it’s never the same. My life was sex, and I ran it according to when and how I would get my next fix. Having a child has taken away my sexuality, and I’ve been trying to figure out how to get it back. I can’t remember the last time I felt really horny. That overtaking desire to fulfill that need and nothing else. I can’t recall the last time the simple act of talking to someone made me feel that pull in my chest, that heat in my body, the familiar drip of wetness into my panties. Josh made me wet all the time. Now, most of the time I have to try, without feeling any of that. All of it a lost memory. It’s hard to remember I even experienced it at this point, and I experienced it constantly. One of the main reasons I wanted to be with Josh so badly was because I felt the most turned on with him that I had ever felt with anyone. I thought because of that there was more of a chance I could make it last with him that anyone else. Because let’s be honest, without sex, what is there that keeps a relationship together…

I didn’t get my period till I was 18 and in college. All through high school I refused to get too physically close with anyone of the opposite sex, because I was afraid they were going to find that out and tell everyone I was just a little girl. I was scared stupid of anyone discovering my secret, I thought it would be the end of my life. The ultimate ammunition to ruin me. After that, the few guys I was interested in were ironically afraid of virgins. Or at least the possible commitment that comes along with deflowering one. While everyone else had their awkward phase of hormones and bad skin in high school, mine erupted in college. I lost my virginity to my first of two serious relationships when I was 21. He was born in 1984, same as Josh. I stayed with him for 7 years, three years longer than I should have. Many reasons why, one main one being the creation of music which has always been my main true love. The way he played the guitar was why I fell in lust with him to begin with. I’ll remember that moment forever, it was trance like, other realm-ish of an elevated, alternate universe. He was so amazing, it was like sex. Music to me is sex, it transcends it all. I have sought to replicate the feelings and emotions I experience when I record and perform with alcohol, drugs, sex, food, shopping, you name it, I’ve tried to replace it. He exposed me to so much music that really spoke to me in that period of my life. I’ve always been a sucker for people that expose me to new things that I connect with, that reinstate my passion, that fuel my creative fire and give me inspiration to live and create. I finally ended it because we were passionless and I knew there was so much more out there, and could feel the intuition of that when I met someone I was attracted to. I’m sure he still hates me for it. I also felt like because of what I did that Josh would end up doing the same to me. Karma, right? I remained celibate for a year then I broke free and at 28 began the journey that most people begin in their early 20’s. I became a true party girl. Everything the Weeknd croons about, I was. Probably why he was and still is one of my favorite artists. He spoke my language. In the next year, I went from one notch on my bedpost to ten…-ish. When I met Josh I was involved with 3 different guys. But none of them wanted anything more from me, I was a fucking mess, literally and figuratively. I focused all my attention on him and fell hard -on his dick. But seriously, I still cannot comprehend the whirlwind that we have been through and everything I have been through with him and what he has put me through and what we have experienced together. He was reading “The Art of Seduction” when he met me, and when I finally picked it up shortly before Jashar turned one realized every chapter reflected a transition within the first year of our relationship. I felt completely manipulated. He denied all of it of course. Was it really that much of a coincidence? Or was Josh the smartest person I’ve ever encountered, and I had just been perfectly played….with a child now in tow.