Three steps forward, two steps back…if Josh had a theme song. I don’t know why he holds onto so much anger from his past and why so many little things seem to set him off. One thing I haven’t talked about is how he belongs to the group called Worldwide. They are affiliates of Amway and he sees them as his saving grace. They sell themselves as a mentor-ship. So these $80 monthly dues and $35 fee for a communication app, he justifies as education even though he vowed after his student loans he would never pay for education again. But it doesn’t end there. They of course want you to build your network in order to succeed. And to do that you must buy about $400+ worth of products a month in order to “build your business”. Instead of selling products like Amway does, you just buy them yourself. The shit is expensive and we don’t see eye to eye on any of it. I have met his mentors and I like them but I don’t think we have the type of money to invest in something with this low of a success rate. Obviously, Josh feels otherwise. He thinks because I don’t agree, I don’t believe in him. And that’s not true. I just don’t agree with the method. He is completely obsessed with the fact that this is the only way to freedom, and it has been nothing but an argument between us since he started it shortly after Jashar was born. He has yet to add one person to “his network”. This whole thing is like the devil to me. I can’t justify buying $80 protein powder and $200 vitamins and $26 laundry detergent for a month’s supply!!! I have spent my whole life hunting down the best quality products for the best prices and this goes against everything I have ever done. I was also always taught perks of having your own business was getting the stuff you sell or supply for cheaper or free! Perks of the trade. These people actually pay sometimes 8x higher than market value just to fulfill a monthly quota. Then they receive a small dividend of the purchase back in a check labeled as “profit”. How is that turning a profit?! I didn’t go to business school, but I’m not a fucking idiot! Why not just get the discount up front? It makes no sense to me. You’re not building a business, you’re making Amway richer. How does anyone see this as a lucrative investment let alone a good idea? And if you use money from your day job to purchase these items, you’re buying them with taxed funds. Then, when you receive your check and you have to claim those earnings to your tax guy, your taxed again! So your money is being double taxed on top of buying overly expensive products.

He gets so angry, won’t listen to a word I say and tells me I don’t know what I’m talking about. His retort is I don’t understand, because I haven’t even been to one meeting. I will go! I told him I would. I don’t see how it’s going to change my rationale perspective though. I believe he can find people and “expand his business/network” without spending so much on the products. But he says you’re suppose to be setting an example for everyone else who joins you. Right…He’s also payed $1000s for plane tickets to these “Family Reunions” scratch that I’ve paid! These are basically conferences that brain wash you into not giving up on giving them money, similar to all these enigmatic self improvement speakers. It’s all about the Benjamins baby. He spent our rent on this shit in the past, because he said this is more important. That this is priority one. At least now, he is going to the beach for the funds. But how can I justify watching him drink his $5 protein shakes when I’m thinking about how’re we’re gonna put dinner on the table…how we’re gonna feed our son. I’ve looked at the numbers and it doesn’t make sense to me. The amount of people you need to collect and follow the same spending procedure in order for you to turn out $50,000 a year is absurd to me. Oh, but you’re free! You’re your own boss with no one to answer to! Don’t you still answer to your upline? Don’t you still answer to Amway? He has a business where he has no one to answer to, with the best office in the world and barely any overhead, and he makes cash every time! And that is much more of a guarantee that this. Build that business! Focus on that freedoom! The amount of people he has to find that agree that this is a good idea…I don’t see it happening. Then he says it’s more than that, because you get bonuses. Fine, show me! Just please don’t put us in a shelter in the process.

He wouldn’t talk to me for 24 hours, because I told him the products were too expensive! I’m not allowed to have any opinion, because I don’t know what I’m talking about even though the numbers are in front of my eyes clear as day. Between that and the car and his exhaustion from lack of sleep, he’s a little on edge. He wakes up at 5 every morning to train, because it keeps him motivated -on task, but he doesn’t fall asleep until after midnight. How can you function? And that’s still with Jashar waking up all night long. So, yesterday he came home during lunch and Jashar started screaming and Josh went ballistic on him he flew at him with with such force and purpose and spanked him repeatedly. Then he swooped him into the back room and was yelling at him and put him in the crib. I was so upset. Jashar is already having nightmares, most likely because of Josh. This did not help. He was traumatized. I was traumatized! I don’t agree with any of it. Josh says it’s bullshit and he doesn’t want him to be spoiled. But he’s one! And he can’t talk! He can’t tell us what is wrong. He can’t tell us why he is so upset and why he is so frustrated. How can you spank a child like that who can’t even talk yet? The experience is terrifying for him, especially how Josh gets involved. Of course, he was worse for the rest of the day and night. Constantly screaming at me, extremely clingy. He didn’t want me to let him go. Shit like that makes me want to walk out the door. I refuse to terrify my child and give him nightmares. I refuse to live in hate. I don’t know what to do about it either. Because one day we’re on the same page, then depending on his mood, it all changes. There is so much of Josh in Jashar. He’s sensitive and passionate and overly emotional. You think he would be more sympathetic when he sees him lashing out. He’s doomed to repeat the same mistakes even though he swears he won’t. He swears he will not allow his son to become him. He swears he will help maintain his innocence and happiness. Because he is so happy. He is such a light, everyone sees it and says so. He swears he will not repeat the mistakes of his father. So show me.