I have to say, I have nothing to complain about. Josh is doing everything he’s been saying he’s going to do for years now. He’s going to the beach, he’s not drinking, he’s not blowing money, he’s kind, considerate, loving, affectionate, reasonable, appreciative. It’s like I’m in a classically boring run of the mill relationship. It’s only been a few weeks but if this keeps up we actually might have a shot at a great life together. We might actually succeed as a family. As long as neither of us gets bored and self sabotages in the process. For years, this is what I’ve wanted…normalcy. But now that I’m on the verge of seamless perfection, I’m wondering if it was the insanity and the disobedience and the anger and the anxiety and the passion that made this nightmare so obsessively alluring to me. Was all the shit actually what kept me interested? Because it was still a challenge that needed to be fixed. It was all still a problem that needed to be solved. I’ve never been use to someone taking care of me, doting on me, spoiling me, lavishing me with gifts; I’ve never had that. I’ve always been the fixer, the caregiver, the controller….am I going to be able to handle this visibly normal relationship? Is he?

This definitely isn’t entirely a case of the body snatchers, because Josh still popped out the other night and showed some of his archetypal color scale. I ran to Publix for twenty minutes and mistakenly left my phone charging on the counter. I told him what I was doing. When I came home my phone case looked a little different then how I left it and a new peacock hued dent was engraved in our fresh off white wall paint. He apparently tried to call me and upon seeing my phone on the kitchen counter and realizing I not only didn’t have my phone but that I also didn’t have my ringer on, he hurled it at the wall. Thank God for Otterbox. This is now the second time it has proven to be Josh proof. This dude is 6’5 275 and built like a line backer. Otterbox, I applaud you. Then he tries to tell me it was like that. It was brand new before I walked out that door and now bent in on one side like it had been melted. Three steps forward, one step back. Still working on those anger issues. I have known someone who gets so upset about the phone! He expects me to pick it up every time he calls! I have a freaking one year old, how the hell am I suppose to do that. I never answered the phone before I had the biggest distraction ever to take care that if I take my eyes off of for a second could possibly die. It’s like being in charge of a lemming. They get into everything and would walk off a bridge or a cliff like it’s their job. Toddlers are unknowingly suicidal. It’s absurd and unrealistic. He got so upset with me one time he slammed me up against the front door and pinned me by my neck with his massive hand. I guess you could consider it a choke hold. That was maybe six months ago I believe and probably the worst reaction he’s ever had. He’s only put his hands on me twice. The first was when he accused me of cheating on him, which was ridiculous and never happened. He was probably the one cheating on me at the time and lashed out at me because of personal guilt. This was the second. He’s never hurt me, it was just the actual act of it that was hurtful and very telling about his personal control and past. To display his power over me, and take out the massive amount of hurt that he had collected from everyone else in his past who had hurt him on me. He cried and apologized, said he’d never do it again. He told me sometimes he doesn’t have control. Which is scary to think, but I was never afraid. Anger…Issues…Demons. That was his only misstep toward me in the past two years. I wasn’t afraid, because I was use to his anger at that time. I just remained still till he let go then pushed him away and exclaimed, “Are you insane?! Why would you do that! There’s no reason for that!” He then used his disgusting overreaction as an excuse to run away to the beach and obliterate himself in alcohol.

There was one other bad night, the night he broke the TV that I really thought it was over. This is a story for another time,  but the shit he said to me on the phone and in text that night….it’s crazy how the person you love the most can also be the one to say the most hurtful things to you that you’ve ever heard. So he hates that I don’t answer the phone. I can never hear it! It’s not like it’s attached to my hip, I’m in noisy places…who answers their phone these days?! No one I know that’s for sure. I always call him back as soon as I see his missed call. He says he can’t count on me if there is an emergency and even changed me as his emergency contact at work. He’s such a drama queen. He had me blocked for the past two months so I couldn’t even call him if I wanted to! He says Jashar did it and he had no idea. Why would he block me? But I remembered during the boat parade I had questioned him about it and he told me he didn’t know why it was like that and that he couldn’t fix it. I think he was drunk one night and forgot he did it. All I can say is thank God my little obsolete iPhone is still hanging on.

So my period ended two nights ago and we celebrated with two back to back stellar sexual experiences. Sunday night he came home from the beach, and I put on some sexy lingerie -navy thong, black tiny boy shorts, and deep magenta bralette -all lace and did a sensual strip tease to Selena Gomez’s “Good For You”. I’m aroused by the simplistic sexuality dripping from her vocals and the beat is great to grind to. The sex was exhilarating. Both of us trembling in the orgasmic aftermath. Josh definitely sounded like he enjoyed himself, and I definitely did too. He wanted round two almost immediately after, because he still had more to unload on me. Yesterday I got many texts expressing his obvious pleasure and gratitude for the previous evening. And last night he wanted more. And why would I deny him of it when he obviously wanted me so bad. Who am I to stagnate that desire…

Josh had a minor fender bender last night. Another minor setback, despite Josh’s obvious effort to not blow money. Some guy stopped short. It didn’t look that bad, I thought it was gonna be a few $100s. Ha! Maybe if they made cars like they use to and you could just bang it out and seal a crack. No…these days everything is made out of plastic, expensive plastic, an everything must be replaced. The estimate is $3000. Fucking crazy. I pray that my deductible is $500. I gotta call them.

My son has been screaming so much during the night and waking so often. I don’t understand it. Is it nightmares? A belly ache? It frustrates and aggravates me, because I am so exhausted. Isn’t he exhausted too? I wish he could just tell me what’s wrong.

So that’s what my life revolves around right now….money, sex, screams, and lack of sleep. Oh and squats. I must do more squats. Like as many as possible. Wouldn’t it be great if you could do them without actually doing them? My ass is pretty nice, but i want it elevated. I want a Katya Elise Henry ass. And genetically I come from a line of flat asses. I’m the evolved anomaly. I’d like to keep it that way.