I got my period!!! Thank God! Of course there is still that slight feeling of disappointment about that barely dodged curve ball that life was about to throw at us…you can’t help but wonder. I would love to give Jashar a sibling, especially a little sister but maybe in a year or two, hopefully.

So I didn’t take one of those demon pills yesterday and by the evening realized where all my passion and lust for life had disappeared to! I had the best time dancing and singing in the kitchen while I prepared dinner and my child was in the living room with his meal distracted by Daniel Tiger. I had a moment of me! I could feel it! That energy I had been missing! That excitement to just be! That desire to create. Birth control truly lobotomizes my soul! It strips my heart of passion and rips the intense desire from my loins. It’s awful. But what can I do? I feel it is my civic responsibility right now to take it. Once again, I am sacrificing a piece of myself for what reason really… Sacrificing what I know to be better for me and the release of my pure unfettered being for our survival financially? Or so that I don’t continue to disappoint my parents with my reckless decisions?

I am a soul that is driven entirely by her hormones and her passion and lust for life and all that it provides. My desires and my fulfillment of those desires are what motivates me and transforms my happiness into an energy that fuels my creativity. The lack of these hormones is why I have felt so dead inside, why I have been so uninspired. I am being quelled. I am being controlled. I am being locked in a box and restrained from the essence that I would otherwise be unleashing unto the world. I must figure out a way to allow myself this freedom. How do I repossess this freedom yet still remain responsible? Responsibility has been my priority since Jashar was born. How do I find the balance between the two? How do I reinstate my happiness? How do I reclaim ownership of my true form and unleash it in a responsible way?