I don’t know why I haven’t been writing this past week. There is so much to say, I just haven’t been motivated to. I plan to change that and stick to it. This week has been calm. Josh has been home every night going to bed early. Waking up and training. We haven’t had sex since the 1st, because he says he is healing himself. He says he hasn’t masturbated in a week and it takes at least 8 days, preferably two weeks…but who knows what the real truth is. I could drive myself crazy imagining scenarios in my head. My dreams at night are doing enough of that for me. I’m sure if I came at him, we would have sex, but I haven’t felt the urge either. I never do because of this hormone bullshit. So different than what I use to feel.  Even pieces of music were triggers of arousal and orgasm for me. When I would work out I would feel this rush of sexuality and longing to fulfill that need later on in the night. Impulses ran me. Gratification drove me. I was controlled by my hormones. What I felt was so strong, they basically made my decisions for me. I’m not agreeing that these were ever the best courses of action, but extremely passionate and, for me, rather poetic. How I felt makes me feel zero regrets for the majority of those hormone driven decisions. I guess it was the only time in my life I took any form of a chance without stopping and considering the more rationale route or the undesirable outcome.

I’ve been sucking his dick a bit for the past few nights, but I stop before climax. Trying this tantric build up thing. God, I don’t know. Is this all bullshit because I’m emotionally dead and preoccupied and he’s no longer attracted to me? Like a part of me says sex is a good idea..then another part is like… will it just be disappointing because I am no longer myself? Am i the one screwing everything up? Is it all in my head?

My mom’s birthday was last Sunday the 3rd and I took Jashar over there for a classic Polish dinner. My brother was still in town and all her regular cast of characters were present. Josh stayed home. He had gone to the beach though and made $60. When I walked down to collect the car it began to rain, and he decided to pack it up and come home. The day before he had gone down early to set up and ended up punking out and drinking. He came home by 9, but he still let his shit get in the way of our future and comfort again. He told me he had been masturbating in the shower and it drains him of all self ambition…this guy’s a piece of work. I,of course, called him out on it. He said he does it as force of habit from when he was young blah blah. It had been the most gorgeous day in weeks! He would have pulled in $200 I’m sure. I said, “If anyone were to ask you ‘Hey Josh, why didn’t you caricature today?’ and you answered ‘Because I masturbated this morning in the shower’ they would think you were out of your goddamn mind!” He laughed with a twinge of embarrassment and said, “Yah, you’re right.” Embarrassment of being caught in his attempt to self victimize and manipulate the situation….

At first he was going to go to my mom’s then asked if it was OK if he sat this one out. He had put in a lot of family time recently. In retrospect, I should have made him come because it was her birthday but I wasn’t in the mood to argue so I let him cop out of it. For some reason, in that moment I felt I was going to have a better time without him, and I did. I actually had the nicest time at one of my mom’s dinners that I could ever remember. Jashar loved the food, and he was adorable as always when not rifled with screams. Dancing and giving Kate, my stepdad’s dog, hugs and kisses. What’s cuter than babies and puppies?

So here we are today, Saturday. Josh has already left to do some reading and then he will presumably set up. That is the plan. I don’t understand why this has been so fucking difficult for him. Caricaturing would solve all of our financial problems, for the moment at least. It would relieve stress and give us a little freedom and financial wiggle room. He should be able to finally breathe. He is so talented and the drawings he’s been doing lately are so amazing. His talent is noticeably improved from even six months ago. With barely any overhead, he could bring in a couple hundred a day in a handful of hours. It boggles my mind that he let’s this type of opportunity slip through his fingers. Tons of people would love to be able to have the beach as their office, not answer to anyone, take home straight daily cash, offer the public something truly original and of high artistic merit, and make random strangers smile with something that only you can give them. He says I don’t understand, I’m not the one out there getting verbally and emotionally berated. I wish I could be! He says I wouldn’t be able to handle it. But I don’t believe that. I would kill to have something that I could work 4 hours a day and make $200 and be able to express my artistry in the same note let alone be my own boss! That would be a dream and a blessing. So we will see. All I can do is wait and hope that he mans up and comes through.

I have a constant fear that I’m sure is not helping our current shaky sexual situation. I want so badly to give Jashar a sibling, especially a baby sister but NOT RIGHT NOW! I am avidly taking birth control and destroying my libido and my partner’s desire for me, because my fear is so strong. If I were to become pregnant, I don’t know what the fuck we would do! I don’t know what I would do?! A piece of me would be happy and a larger piece of me would feel as if my life was truly over. If it’s hard to get any moments of freedom and free for all now!…huh! I would never see the light of day, or a moment of fun unless it involved a cartoon character ever again. Josh of course keeps saying he thinks I will be pregnant soon and he would be happy if I were and he wishes I would stop taking birth control so I would be happier and he promises he’ll pull out…because it worked so well before. He’s out of his goddamn mind! And no I’m not that stupid anymore, I don’t trust him in the least. One is enough for me right now, because half the time it’s already like I have two. My period is suppose to happen any day now and I’m terrified it won’t come. Last month, the pharmacist gave me the generic form of the birth control I had been taking for the past 15 months now and today I was reading on the Internet how it doesn’t work. Fucking fantastic. I just downloaded one of those cycle apps and according to it we had sex around my supposed “ovulation time” and I was feeling cramps the other day. I was trying to tell myself it was just the birth control but now I’m not so sure.

I would never trade a life without Jashar for anything but I was not ready to be a mom when he came about. I hadn’t done anything to prevent it so I guess it was partially my fault. The only birth control I was guilty of was the denial that I was somehow internally damaged and that this wasn’t going to happen to me. I had been on birth control from 19-28 and when o went off of it I never felt so alive in all my life. I was reckless, but I loved it! I was damaged, but I chased passion and satisfaction and sensation like it was my job. But this time aroud I have done my duty and fulfilled my civic responsibility by religiously taking that damn demon pill everyday against my better judgement. If it happens, I will be happy and forced to deal with it but I feel my life will be over. I’m not ready yet. I know it sounds dreadfully selfish, but I ebt to have some fun yet and physically I’ve never been closer to how I’ve always wanted to look. I don’t know if Josh and I will survive it either. It has been so difficult and both of us have been dealing with this new lifestyle in our own ways and still getting adjusted together. I don’t know any other couple that could have survived what I’ve been through with him. We’re not ready yet. I’m finally finding some breathe. Let me savor the fresh air. The untainted serenity before I’m forced to grab an inhaler and all hell breaks loose.