I think Harry pulls back, because he fears losing control. If he feels those deep feelings then he questions whether he loses his complete autonomy in his decision making. He realized when he began to pull back that he could control those feelings that could possibly blind him to the reality of the situation. Which then poses the deeper question of whether he still questions my intentions and ulterior motives. Because that’s what it comes down to, right? Whether he believes that I have his best interests in mind or whether I am operating from a selfish individualistic standpoint. I believe this was the turning point in our relationship. When he began to feel this way. When he began to question my ulterior motives. He felt unsafe. Now I wonder if he’s struggling with his original assessment. Now I wonder if he’s battling with his own self doubt. Because the truth is I love him unconditionally, and I ultimately do have his best interests at heart. Did I always? Looking back, I can see how I might have been acting in a more self absorbed, self serving way. But don’t we all? Don’t we all get defensive when the pattern in front of us changes, and we don’t understand why our loved one no longer wishes to help meet our needs? I felt completely rejected out of nowhere. He did a complete 180 on me. I really hope he reaches the conclusion that I am operating out of pure love sooner than later. I do not feel that I deserve to be treated the way that I am being treated any longer. I want to change the energy between us. I’m more than ready to build it.

This is the result from faulty care givers that taught him that his needs were unimportant and could not be met. That his desires would always be rejected. That intimacy wasn’t safe. That connection was pointless and without a fruitful end. He has such a deep fear of intimacy that he refuses to be physical with me. What is it that he is afraid of? How the fuck can I fight this? How the hell can I prove to him that this is something mutually beneficial when it is something that he has no idea how to feel. He’s rejected our physical connection, because our emotional one has become to strong for him. Walls went up, boundaries went up so that we wouldn’t go any deeper and risk him feeling even more out of control than he already feels in every other aspect of his life. That’s the sad reality. Is he feels that being vulnerable with me would completely eliminate any sense of solid ground he has left that he is clinging to for safety. But being vulnerable with me will be what gives him the stability and power he needs to thrive, feel confident, and succeed. It is the absolute opposite of what he fears. It will be the first time he would truly feel free.

I don’t want just sex with him. I want everything around it, undulating through it. I want all the possibilities of what it could be. The trust and intimacy. The romance and the love. The endlessly expansive sensual bond. The playful exploration. The discovery of new states of being. Discovering new things that make us feel amazing. No expectations. This is a clean slate. A new beginning and a fresh start of open opportunities. I feel like we are starting from square one and that is exciting and accepting to me. I don’t want routine. I don’t want the same. I want different explorations of different needs on different days dependent upon what it is our bodies are calling for. Whatever we’re craving. Whatever he’s craving, I want to find and know and give him. It’s such a beautiful special world that only we can build and create. It’s our world. Only our world. I love him so much and am still so attracted to him. Why wouldn’t I want a romantic relationship with him? It’s something so special and exciting to me. It can be the greatest thing in the world if both of us have the right headspace and mental intention to make it that way. We are creators of our own world. Openly accepting and embracing love. This is my video game. This is the video game I want to play. All the different levels that we’re not just playing but we are simultaneously constructing and iterating on as we go. It’s ever changing. That is stimulating, dynamic, and thrilling to me. I’ve romanticized the romance. It can be. I know it can. It’s not fair that he’s made the decision to just write me off. Oh she doesn’t have sex with me the way I want her to so instead of telling her what I want, I am just going to assume she can’t and never will. I am just going to assume she can’t. When I have done nothing but prove myself time and time again how much I can grow and change. I think that’s unfair and fucked up.

When he first moved in, the excuse as to why we weren’t having sex was because we didn’t have a strong enough foundation and needed to build more emotional intimacy. Now it seems the reason we are not having sex is because we have too much emotional intimacy, and he is too fearful of feeling more vulnerable. I just feel emotionally hijacked. I don’t know what way is up, because I have been turned left, right, upside down and sideways. It’s exhausting, and I’m exhausted.