I have a partner who has been in a constant cortisol/dopamine loop for months if not slowly building for years now. He’s been in online school since he moved here, paired with several show gigs most weeks and teaching violin to adolescents. It culminated to a turning point last Thanksgiving when he realized the shows weren’t enough to adequately satisfy his financial needs, and he acquired the addition of a full time position at Rebekah’s Dream. He quickly cycled up to super avoidant by Christmas. So much so he almost jumped ship from the relationship the day after Thanksgiving, saying a relationship is not for him, he just wants to be alone, he doesn’t want to be responsible for anyone else, I’ve become boring, a dull blade who use to be a sharp knife. maybe this isn’t the right relationship for him. It was tough shit to hear. And it did feel like it came out of nowhere. Especially considering all the work I had put in to pull myself out of an avoidant cortisol loop. I took accountability for the things I was doing or saying that caused damage to out connection. My actions that lead him to feel unseen and unheard. I made it a point to be present and aware and give importance to everything that he said. Make each word coming out of his mouth my present priority. I thought he had noticed. And he had. He said it was like having to learn a whole fucking new person. I almost think it aggravated him that I had proven I could emotionally grow and change. He had made a decision to check out, and I was finally giving him reason not to. His decision to check out was creating guilt in his mind because of my new found efforts to truly understand and attempt to be what he needs. As I edged away from avoidant and each day became more secure, he went from edging on axious to completely absurdly avoidant. My secure attachment made him flip to my fucking nightmare. My main wound of not being a priority. Not being given affection and love on full display. Reliving my childhood in it’s most emotionally hurtful form over and over again. One thing I have to say though is that it’s really put me on a projection path for relational growth I’ve never been on before. Total hyper-speed mode. I’m starting to notice things too that I wouldn’t have seen before. Like last night, he came home and ignored me. He said he acknowledged me, but it was a wave as he was on the phone. Then he was off, and i went to say hi and he became tense and dismissed me with a tone of annoyance. I got the hint. Then he starts turning it around saying Im the one giving him weird energy and that I’m being really needy right now. I’m sorry, are you trying to escalate an argument with me? then later I told him. felt ignored, and he said because he as ignoring me! Today I mentioned a better way to handle it would have been him coming home and saying he babe, nice to see you, I’ve had a rough day and I need some time. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to reengage. Instead of ignoring me, invalidating my feelings about it, gaslightig me about the fact that I’m the one with the issue, then really stoking the fire with the character attack of calling me needy. I saw all of that then tried to point it out, asking to just communicate with me, and he said he wasn’t sure he could give me what I need. Really?? Now? Or ever?? That’s the real question. I don’t even think he has the answer to that right now. I think it will all change in a month once school ends. He wants time for creativity. When will he want time for me? When will he see the value in relationship? When will he be able to feel it all again? I truly believe the most fulfillment in life is based around your kids and your partner. My deepest fear is that he will realize this at a point when I will not be able to give him his own child, and he will leave to get it with someone else and put forth all the effort and have the life with her that I am so desperately craving for. So many opportunities for growth inside of a relationship with so many challenges. Here’s to growth. Yay me.

I’ve been deep diving into the bio chemistry of relationship and have realized what the entire point of relationship is. It’s all the chemicals the brain produces that makes our life worth living. It’s a bio-hack. Relationship as a bio-hack. The oxytocin and serotonin make us feel more loved, increase are self confidence, allow us to feel secure in taking greater risks, heal our gut and our body, make our hormones function so much better, make us happier and more easy going, cover up pain!!! Oxytocin even gives us better bursts of dopamine and stronger orgasms and produce GABA that shuts of worry, anxiety, and ruminating thoughts, and helps us sleep better. Makes us believe that life is more tolerable and that everything isn’t so bad. How many more reasons do you need to fall into love and have lots of sex??! It’s proven that those of us out of relationship and who stay out of relationship tend to die earlier and more troublesome deaths. Higher risks of cancer and heart disease that stem from depression and chronic pain conditions. Those sneaky little neurochemicals control all of it. Oxytocin, vasopressin, GABA,

I am capable of having a really fantastic deep relationship now. And that’s what I want with him. I want him to feel seen and heard. Safe and supported 

And I really want to give him pleasure,  in whatever way that he wants to receive it in. But we have to talk about it and construct a plan of action. Things don’t just work out on their own. We have to put action and effort toward them. We can’t just kick the can down the road and expect it to roll back. It doesn’t work like that. We have to run after it and pick it up and physically bring it back to the place we want it to be.

Last night I felt ignored and he told me later it was because he in fact was ignoring me. But instead of saying hey babe it’s nice to see you but I’ve had a rough day and I need some time. I will let you know when I am ready to  reengage bc that’s respect. What happened was you ignored me then tried to turn it around that I was the one causing the problem with the weird energy then called me needy. It almost seems like he was trying to make me escalate a fight with him. And I didn’t take the bait. Wow. I’m not gonna let this shit happen anymore. Bc I know how to have a great relationship with him, and I’m trying my damndest to make that happen. Bc I want that with him. I want an amazing fulfilling mutually beneficial relationship, and we have the opportunity to truly have that and make it happen. If I can only convince him of this and get him on the same page things would be going a lot more smoothly for all of us and our neurotransmitters and bio chemicals. I am ready to bio-hack my life dammit! I want my oxytocin again. He would still call me a brat for this. An oxytocin brat. Still feel like I’m being selfish and using him for chemicals. Because his receptors are blocked, and he’s no feeling what I wish he could feel. He would be so much happier if he could just feel it all again. All he’s ever felt is dopamine and cortisol. how do I successfully get him to cross the border into the oxytocin zone.