I am having a lot of issues. My mind is dredged in nihilism. I just really don’t know what the point of anything is anymore. My soul’s purpose of hopeful intention was to have another child and have that experience again but with a great partner. That’s what I focused my subconscious efforts toward. All my over working, saving the money to be able to contribute to that reality. The reality of a redo and an amazing partnership. And sex. Sexual exploration with that same amazing partner. Those were the hopes that kept my motivation striving toward daily endeavor. I feel like both of those dreams are crushed and dismantled. I see no future currently with either of those things in it, and I am not sure what the point of anything is. I have a partner that I love and am in love with but who does not see the value of relationship or at least the value of relationship with me. I cannot convince him of my value. I cannot convince him of the happiness we could share if the same effort and energy is given from both ends simultaneously. I have a very jaded and dejected outlook right now. I watch Love is Blind and I think this is such bullshit. Healthy hormone-levels fueled with so much hope and alcohol. These people are flying on falsities. It all goes away. It all disappears. It all turns to dust. People don’t keep feeling like that. It all fades and somebody if not both bodies get extremely disappointed about some false fantasy. Someone’s dream is inevitably crushed and because of that that person wants to crush the other person’s dream. It becomes a dream crushing competition. A competition of something. Enemies and adversaries. Someone is always jealous. Someone is always resentful. Resentment breeds more resentment. One bubble bursting over another’s crapped on dream. Why can’t it all just be love? Someone becomes unhappy, somebody feels like they’ve given up more than the other and then won’t subconsciously rest until they have the other on an equally unhappy playing field. Ain’t no rest for the resentful. How did I get here? How did I get to the point of feeling like what’s the point? It was so clearly defined what I wanted and needed to be happy before. Sex. Being wanted, being wanted by Harry. So simple. What I needed the most as a child that I didn’t get in childhood. Attention. Affection. Physical love and touch. Feeling like I was a priority to the caregiver and man of the house. It was so simple for me. So simple that it felt wrong. It couldn’t be true that I was that simple minded and basic. But that’s what I wanted. That’s what I needed to be happy. The longer I’ve gone without it. The more I’ve poked and probed my prefrontal cortex for answers, the more complicated my questioning has become of myself. What if I achieved everything I desired? Amazing partner, weekly sexual explorations, maybe even another child. Would that be the ultimate? Would everything be complete? Would I then be content? Or are those still more expensive bandaids over a larger existential issue? Are they just more distractions from what I really need to be looking at in myself? I heard the other day that an existential crisis is a luxury. It means that your basic needs of food, shelter, bills are all taken care of and handled so now you have the bandwidth to think beyond that. Makes a lot of sense. What if I had everything I wanted and I still wasn’t happy? What if nothing was ever enough? What the fuck do I actually want anymore? I honestly have no fucking idea. I really don’t. What kind of partner does that make me? What man would want that type of partner? A woman who might not be able to ever be made happy? Sounds like a nightmare to me and I am that woman. I am living inside of her. Trapped inside her mind of nihilistic delusion.