So, it looks like we are moving next door on Friday. Slightly bigger place. Studio to a one bedroom. They really made some nice improvements. The on site property manager seems to like us. I can’t help but be nervous about it because it is $200 more a month and Josh still hasn’t shown any consistent initiative to plan for the difference. That is why I hesitated a year ago, and I’m obviously glad I did. I saved a bunch of money by not allowing us to in there. We’ve survived in the space we’re in. Hell I could still survive for $650 a month! But we can’t stay here forever. Plus we wouldn’t have benefited from all the new updates to the space. The timing feels right. I have high hopes. One can dream right? New space, new beginning, new energy equals needed change and planned self improvement to personal nature…Of course the minute he walks through that threshold all his promised change will just magically fall into place. I really do hope this lights afire under his ass. I have yet to find what will.

My son is so sick right now. Nothing serious. This is just the first time we’ve ever seen him like this. Quiet, dazed, sad, watery eyes with lone tears falling down his cheeks, runny nose, raised body temp, rapid labored breathing yet extremely lethargic, no desire to smile or play, barely eating, and all he wants to do is put his head down. When this child is normally so high energy and nothing but smiles it hurts your heart. I hope it passes soon and his immunity is that much stronger because of it.

I haven’t decided what to do about my birth control. I have a progesterone only option that will not help me rebuild my estrogen, and I have a low dose combination option. The low dose still might affect my milk production at a detrimental rate, and I am not sure whether the hormones will affect my son. My doctor doesn’t seem to be worried, but the internet says otherwise. Whom to believe …plus the progesterone only option is 4x the cost of the other. I can’t decide, and I must do so within 24 hours if I don’t want to worry about getting pregnant. And that can’t happen right now. Do I make a decision solely on what I already know will be best for my son? Or do I take a risk with the unknown that will hopefully have no impact on him but will aid in my confidence and vanity and probably also help my relationship…

The internet just scares the shit out of you. There’s all these posts about women who were taking the low dose option I am considering starting and they say they got pregnant while taking it. My doctor seems to think there is no risk of pregnancy while taking any type of birth control. Once again, whom to believe…. Josh doesn’t want me taking any birth control. He wouldn’t mind if I got pregnant again. Funny, right? Sometimes i think he’s bi polar. Or maybe he’s just addicted to self sabotage that ends up bringing me down with the ship. In a different situation, what woman wouldn’t want her partner to have that desire. If I knew he had my back 100%, and I had nothing to worry about and knew that his feelings and actions were consistent and constant and his love was enduring I wouldn’t mind either. That’s a lot of “ands” huh…Those “ands” unfortunately seems to be asking too much from him right now. I pray that it’s not ever. I could not imagine being able to tolerate being in this state of doubt for the rest of my life. Could anyone? Maybe it’s an acquired skill that I really hope I don’t acquire. I really hope he gets his shit together. Decides what he wants and sticks to it. Even the biggest amusement park fan can take so many repetitive rides on a roller coaster before they too get sick and tired of it’s twists and turns; love lost of its great thrills and unbridled falls.