I realized last night why watching “Married at First Sight” is such a soul feeding experience for me. I’ve never met people like this before in my life. Good people so pure of intentions and motivations for love. They are so real and vulnerable. Everyone I’ve ever known has always worn a veil. They’ve never been who they actually are just who they want you to think they are. All of the people I’ve ever known have always worn a mask or have wanted something from myself or others. I think this is why I so easily reveal such personal information about myself to strangers so often. Harry says it surprises him that I would tell someone else the things that I tell them. I think it’s me extending an olive branch. I’m saying here is my flaw, my gift of vulnerability to you. Now please, be real with me. Most people just take it as free ammunition, and believe it makes me weak. But I will never stop searching.

My Father showed me no affection or attention as a child. It not only robbed me of my self worth and self confidence, but it robbed me of my neurotransmitters. It robbed me of my proper levels of serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin. It made me depressed and sad as a small child. Then he would get upset and criticize me for the fact that I was this way, that I didn’t have the capabilities as a young child to change my state of mental health to a more cheery disposition. Like there was something wrong with me. Then show me some damn affection, asshole! Hug me! Hold me! Show me the love and attention I so desperately desired and needed. I’m sad, because I’ve been programmed to think that no man will ever love me because my own Father can’t bring himself to do so! It ruined my life.

It created an addict ever chasing those neurotransmitters I was so desperately craving to fill the voids they lacked from. It took me forty years to pull myself out of that hole of addiction he helped dig for me. He broke ground, and I shoveled twelve feet down. It robbed me of all the talent and potential I could have fulfilled artistically and intellectually, only if I had been self aware that I was worth a damn. I would have had the ability to self regulate and a natural passion for life instead of an incessant need for continuous hits of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. My biggest wish being a securely attached formula fueling the drive to succeed in career and in relationships. My personal fulfillment became trumped by my lack of self worth. I know it wasn’t his fault entirely, because he didn’t know. He hadn’t been taught properly either. I just wish he had had the desire to naturally break the cycle by giving me the love I deserved.

Now, it’s so important to me to have a little girl. My great hope to give her the Father that I never had. Give her everything I never had. Harry could do that. He could be all of that. He would be the greatest Dad. If he wanted to. But he’s terrified to do so, and time is running out for me. He’s terrified financially. But I know it’s something that is always figured out. I would be fine living the rest of my life for that little girl. We would give her everything she needed to succeed in this fucked up world. Not in a spoiled way of course, but with lessons and love. She would have it all. Secure attachment, a loving family, and balance. A thing far more precious than gold these days.