It’s been a while. A lot has happened since my last mindless tale of naïveté. For all of us it has. 2019 was an interesting year for me. Honestly, it was amazing. I felt amazing. I was flying on life. Chasing dopamine like a mother fucker every moment of every day. I worked on reward mechanisms. I worked out and went to work and cared for my son so therefore I must reward myself with revelry, dick, and libations. My only priorities besides my child and paying my bills was drinking and sex. Those were my motivations. My excuse for that tunnel vision was trauma. This is how I am dealing with the PTSD from the crazy toxic shit that I endured. I had lots of ambition, but I thought those opportunities were just going to present themselves to me on a platinum platter, because I’m golden, right? I’m special. It’s written in the stars that all my dreams and destiny are going to come true. Delusional narcissism is a side effect of the alcohol. But damn, my body and brain sure believed it! Despite all the poison I dumped into it, I never felt better! Everything was functioning like gold. I was completely manic and insane and self absorbed and narcissistic. And all of it that I was sugar coating on top of this castle high defensive fortress I had built up in response to the abuse I had faced with Josh. If only I had channeled all of that energetic invincibility into something creative and positive, but I just wasted it all on meaningless experiences of intoxicated revelry. I don’t know what I was searching for except another way to numb the emotional pain and deep desire I had for unbridled passion and unconditional love. It’s a great possibility that I was entirely manic for a total year of my life completely fueled by alcohol and desire. Maybe I absorbed some of Josh’s mental un-health, bi polar by proxy. Maybe it had always been there, dormant and sleeping. Awaiting release from just the right trigger, and man did he pull it unabashedly.

I’ve worked through a lot of shit. On my own. Stuff I should have realized decades ago, but was blinded to do so. Everything has been a chain reaction of physics contingencies constantly catalyzing the next life ruining mistake. I’ve realized some things. I didn’t really have parents. I had people that provided me food and shelter and things. But the love and affection and guidance that every child deeply needs for success in this world were nowhere to be found. My father was an emotional monster who was deeply angry and unhappy. He did not crave family, at least from us. He craved money, status, and success. He never touched me, loved me, showed me kindness in an emotional way. He never showed me I was wanted by him. I was a nuisance and a burden, and I wasn’t a boy. In his mind, I think he thought he could love a boy. I reminded too much of his mother, whom I think he blamed for his own father’s abandonment. So instead of correcting that repeated trajectory, he decided to further enforce it and seal my fate. Think it gave me some attachment issues? I’d say so. I didn’t look the way he wished me to look either. He knew with my body type I would have difficulty finding a man of his outlook, so he gave up on me early. My mother was too self absorbed in her own search for happiness as well. What instruction did I need? I was a kid, and kids raise themselves. It worked out for us, right? This was the lie they repeatedly told themselves in their heads to allow themselves to keep existing inside their own self absorbed and selfish bubbles. His anger and rejection made me hate and despise everything he represented and loved the most….money, power, status, and success. And I associated all of that with my father and the people just like him. No one who wanted and chased those goals and aspirations would want me either. So I shunned them, without realizing the journey of pain and hardship I was creating for myself. Because I wanted nothing to do with success and the good fortuned, I found my companions within the degenerates and the rebels, and I started drinking at 14. My precious brain deformulating and crippling its destiny. All of its growing and expanding wisdom, photographic memory even, destroyed ever before it would be allowed to reach its potential. Screaming, please stop! All of it falling on my death and angry ears.

The worst part was I was completely functioning. I maintained responsibilities. I paid bills. Pursued passions. But none of it was whole heartedly. It was all unfocused and I realized. Complete stagnation and distraction. A waste of life. The addiction to alcohol ruled my world. It controlled all my decisions and changed my way of viewing things. It completely disrupted the formation of my neuro cortex and altered the trajectory of my existence. Along with the zero self confidence my father gifted me with and my strong dose of anxious attachment, I was a fucking self sabotaging delusional mess.

It took me half my life to realize all of this. It took me half my life, an abusive relationship, a beautiful child, and zero growth of personal assets to begin to desire a change to any of it.

I quit the addictions. I quit the cycle of highs and lows and maniacal motivations then deep depressions. I’m trying to find my baseline.

It’s been 8 months sober. 8 months of me not numbing my mind with all the spirit GABA. 8 months without me self therapizing myself with that delicious and evil hop GABA and all the fucking devil dopamine that dripped from its vessel. It hasn’t been easy. I don’t expect it ever to be. But I do know one thing. I want to be clear. And I don’t want to die. I want my life and my youth back. Now instead of numbing and coping, my motivations are reverse aging and creation. I’ve been living life trapped within tall castle walls. I’m ready to change that. I now feel capable to be open to receive. I want to feel gratitude and be present. I want to embrace my potential and succeed. I want to live again, but properly this time.