Do I have to write it on your bedroom wall, you fool……

I have this theory. I have this theory that H has purposely tried NOT to care about me, and he’s done this since he’s met me. But as much as he fights it, he can’t help but feel for me because the connection that we share and it’s potential is just entirely too intensely potent to ignore. Last weekend, like it’s predecessor, spent with my crush, was amazing. Earlier that Saturday, however, I would have thought the world was coming to an end, and let me explain why….

So Harry had this recording session that he wanted to to come to with him. I’m assuming bc he wanted to spend more time with me. He told me it was in Pembroke Pines and it was a home studio and he shot me the address. As I’m getting off the turnpike exit, I start thinking this is looking a little familiar and I start scrambling through old text messages praying that it wasn’t what I was dreading. As I’m crawling toward my destination I realize this is getting a little too close for comfort and my deepest fears are becoming and extremely solid reality. I called H and said, “uh…who is this guy again?” And he says, “I don’t even know. Some guy named Jesus.” I said, “you didn’t tell me it was Dezy.” He asked why and if it was going to be a problem. My mind was racing trying to figure out how to explain this and babbled something out about how I use to record with him and his girlfriend has some unknown issue with me and told him we could no longer be friends. I said I just haven’t spoken to him in months. Lemme call him and ask I said. Of course, his phone was dead. So I knock on the door, trying to get a response before Harry arrives. He finally answers and I quickly blurt out, “Harry invited me, you know I know H, and I had no idea it was you until I pulled into the driveway. Is this gonna be a problem?” He said, “yeah, Shelly’s inside.” I still had no idea why this girl had an issue with me. It wasn’t like I was ever pursuing him outside of friendship or music, whether they were together or when they were not. Harry arrived and more awkwardness ensued and it was decided for me to go kill an hour somewhere. I just looked at Dezy and said, “Can we please just move this thing along. I’d really appreciate it.”

I drove to 3 sons brewery crapping my thong, every minute I spent there my heart and all internal organs has shifted to the pit of my gut….all I could think is what could this evil whore be saying about me, what could the three of them in the room together be discussing that could absolutely ruin any chance of a future with Harry when we’ve been recently making such great strides….I was a deer in the headlights…all my free spirit actions were flashing before my eyes in a tornado of unexplainable consequences….for the first time ever, I felt like a whore. I thought I wasn’t ever going to hear from him again, but then I thought why would he believe these people he doesn’t even know over me, if they did in fact try to ruin my reputation with him. I was so fucking scared I could barely even be swayed by the distractingly handsome Peruvian bar manager at the Dania brewery. Beer, less than what I expected by the way. I’m still an Invasive girl all day. After two hours and hundreds of heart palpitations later, I texted, “how’s it going? am I going to see you anytime soon?” He calls. Says he left, asks where I am and wants to meet up. Wants me to come out to his house in West Palm. I can’t tell you the relief I felt. I wouldn’t have traded that feeling for anything. He realizes he forgot his vape and needs to go back there, says he’ll call me back. Then Dezy’s number pops up on my caller ID. It’s Shelly. I have never had anyone say the things she said to me in my entire life. I don’t consider myself a bad person in any regard, but I had no idea the extent that I had affected this girl’s life. Apparently she told me they had postponed the wedding and gone through hours and hours and hours of therapy because of me. I hurt her, I hurt his family, all because we were “friends”. She said when he hung out with me he was off his bi polar medication and he was in a manic state. That wasn’t the real him. I had no idea who he was. It seems I’m some sort of magnet for bi polar men. I wonder what it is they gravitate toward that emits from my aura? I’m a magnet for damaged men…. she said how dare I show up at their home and I assured her I had never had any intention to do so, today was an accident, I wished her all the luck in there future together, and to have a wonderful life. Crazy, both of them.

And that’s what I told H when he called me back. He said, “yeah, he’s sort of a strange dude, huh…I can see why she doesn’t like you…she’s kind of old, huh?” Again, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. “She’s in her 20s I told him” He couldn’t believe it. Holy moley….I said if I would have known it was Dezy, I would have told him not to waste his time. He said that he paid him. And he wanted him to do more songs, but Harry said naw….and that he had somewhere to be. Thank God! The next 24 hours was awesome. First Saturday he’s had off in a while and I helped him spend it very well. We had sex, but he apparently has issue controlling himself with me. He tells me, he’s tried everything, not looking at me, thinking of other things, every deterring technique he can think of, but there’s something about me that just makes him want to explode. That’s not a bad thing, right? We went down to Lake Worth to check out a friend’s band and ended up running into 3 different bands he knew. He introduced me to everyone we met immediately and one guy from Space Coast Ghost he told, “If you ever need a singer, she’s your girl!” Loved CWS. Great venue, great people, great band…Pass the Dub. Then we ran into the B Sides, and I sang with them and it was awesome. They gave me their card and hopefully I might gig with them in the future. Yes, please! He was a little tweaked the attention was on me and not him. He didn’t bring his fiddle and was craving that praise. I can tell it’s hard for him to share sometimes.

We were going to go to Propaganda then Candace hit me up and said she and Marco were at O’Shea’s. So we went to Clematis to meet them. It was a blast but H wanted to take off because he wanted to spend more time with me. We went back to his place and had Greeeaaattttt sex. During a round he says, “Oh my god, you’re like the best and the worst thing that’s ever happened to me!” Hence my theory…..he’s always given me these backhanded compliments. I wonder what it is that deters him from admitting what we have…next morning more great sex and more back handed compliments. Great conversation. But he starts to pull back when it gets closer to departure time and he didn’t want to kiss me goodbye. I chickened out again in asking the important questions in person and they all flood back to my psyche once he was out of my physical grasp. This has been a difficult week. I’ve really been activated emotionally. The two deaths of siblings of friends of mine haven’t helped. Three out of the last five days I’ve devoted to spending time with them and the roller coaster of emotions they are all dealing with. The absorbable energy is leveling. I want to ask Harry if he recognizes the connection we share or if he’s just going to spend another 6 years scowering the earth comparing me to everyone else until he does…..