I’m having a rather emotional experience today because I still breastfeed my son whom is twenty months.  I feel it not only gives him comfort but irrepaceable immunity that has protected him against the elements that otherwise would have ravaged his newly formed soul. We have been slowly weening, just down to a few times a night. My doctor switched my birth control to a low dose combination pill instead of the progesterone one that is completely safe for breast feeding. He wants to me to start getting my estrogen back and I might finally be able to look into the mirror at my face again and be happy with what I see. I feel like my face and my body do no match. My face looks so fucking old and ravaged to me as if giving birth has the same effects a two year stint on meth would give. He promised that this low dose pill would not affect the milk supply or the taste, but I can tell it has done both. Jashar is not happy with it and has been rather bitchy with me. I had two freezer bags of milk left and mixed one with cows milk to calm his crazy tantrum cries this morning. I can tell he’s mad at me. I don’t know what to do? Am I sacrificing my child’s nurturing and comfort over an issue of vanity and expense? The special progesterone pill is $150 a month! While the low dose combo i just started is $27. Luckily the government has been footing that bill but with Josh’s new job they might not for much longer even though after the bills are paid we still wouldn’t have money to eat. Those foods stamps and paid prescriptions have been one of the biggest blessings of my life…sad but true. I still owe a shit ton of money from his birth! Fucking nuts. Like close to $5,000 nuts. And that’s not even counting the credit cards. Of course Josh is even worse with his $250,000 in art school loans. Because there is definitely a graphic artist job out there that will help him pay those off….Shoulda quit my job before he was born and I wouldn’t have owed a dime. Hopefully I made the right decision in the long run.

Last night we had a family night at a Christmas Festival in downtown Oakland Park. My friend Jackie and her two daughters joined us. If it was just me, I wouldn’t have spent a dime, but because Josh was there…we needed “to have fun”. Fun= Funky Buddha and a massive amount of wings….$60+ later…I feel bad bitching about it but if it wasn’t for my post baby frugal nature we would be out on our asses. He calls me a Jew. At the car, he became angry with me about it saying I ruin fun and all this bullshit. Basically yelling in our poor son’s face while her was strapping him in. Then at Jackie’s, he made a comment about me never allowing him to have a play station and that made me cringe a bit so I responded with my own sarcastic retort about how he if felt the TV he demolished was a distraction, then what is a Playstation? I thought it was all jokes and fun until he came home later after venturing out to have “a beer” and I heard it from him again. He lay in bed next to me and just started addressing me with this bitingly harsh tone he gets when he’s been drinking Jack. I’m sure he found someone to buy him a few shots. He’s good at that. He said I was trying to embarrass him and I wasn’t but there is no reasoning with him in that state. Of course Jashar woke up and it took me two hours to get him back down. this was like 1am. Never a dull moment.

When he woke up, he didn’t remember his anger and said he had fun with me last night and felt good to be with me because I walked as a beautiful and confident woman and it made him feel confident. We talked about how I was feeling, and he was understanding and comforting about my emotions. I just tell him it’s confusing for me because today you tell me how beautiful I am yet two days ago I was unattractive and not sexy to you. How am I suppose to feel confident and secure in our relationship and in myself when the man who’s opinion I care about the most oscillates so frequently and leaves my confidence in an insecure state of confusion. He said he does it because he is insecure and he is projecting his insecurities on me. So now where do we go from here?