I have paid my dues. Man did I ever pay my dues in 2018. This is my year of evolution. This is my year of redemption. Since the clock struck midnight on New Year’s Day 2019 I have been reveling in my existence. I love my life. I am blessed. I feel happy. I am complacent in the person I am and everything that the universe is bestowing onto my essence. I feel it is on my side and I am it’s humble student and servant. I bow to its desires and I trust in its whims. Lead me, teach me, love me, nurture me. New Years was amazing. Mr. H and I spent 36 hours together. The most time he’s ever allowed himself to experience my essence in the 8 years we’ve known each other. Granted Josh interrupted a good 6 of those years but it was effortless. Easy, I’ve never felt a connection with another like I feel with him. It was evident in 2011 and it’s grown even more powerful now. The way we communicate, the way we laugh, the way we fuck, the energy between us. I just still have no idea whether he acknowledges it the way I do. The walls are up for sure, the walls have always been up. I think both of us are too afraid to venture into that conversation. It’s so difficult because I want freedom, I don’t want obligation, the idea of all the bullshit within a relationship scares the shit out of me and seems so alien even though I’ve spent the last 14 years of my life being in one….but in the same sense I find myself comparing our encounters to everyone else I share my time with. Our connection is yet unparalleled. Universe, if this is not what’s meant to be then goddamnit distract me with one of higher quality!

I’ve realized that all the guys in my life up to this point have gotten lucky. Especially Adam. Adam was probably the luckiest of them all. They caught me at weak moments. Moments multipled into years of my existence where I truly haven’t known myself and devalued the exceptional quality that I truly am. I have a close friend who has repeatedly told me that I need to be more of a bitch. My initial reaction to that statement is I could never be that way. It’s not who I am. Now I realize that a woman who has a little bitch in her is just a woman who holds herself to a higher standard. It’s a woman who acknowledges the one of a kind treasure that she is. But there’s a balance. There’s a recipe for all the attributes. Bitchiness is just that superlative ingredient that adds a little extra kick. This perfect combination cannot be taught or learned. It’s cultivated. It’s nurtured. It’s released at the right moment to take on the world and own into who you always were intended to be. Your birthright.