I feel changed. I feel evolved. I feel more different than I have ever felt in my entire life. I feel confidence. I feel power exuding from my aura, ebb and flow. I am Earth and Water: Grounded and Flowing. Virgo and Scorpio. I am Earth, Fire, Air, and Water. Virgo, Leo, Libra, and Scorpio. That still doesn’t mean that I don’t question myself and the place that I find myself. It is the last day of the year and those plebeian, anniversary expectations are plaguing my mind. I’ve been recently blessed with those mind games of stereotypical tradition. Am I happy with who I am. Am I on the right path. Am I acting on selfish instinct or is this the course I’m chosen to be on….Really fucking with my head space. I think tonight will go well though. I’m suppose to sing around 7 at The Downtowner then my friend Liz and I are going to venture downtown. I’ll be a guest star in RT’s New Years extravaganza. I feel the itch to play in a little snow and it’s in the 80s. It’s been 5 months since I’ve done any drugs, but if it’s offered I plan on taking it. Not a lot. I practice very high self control. Just enough to keep me elevated past 3 am.
I feel so strange as far as love goes. I’ve always needed it. Relied on it. It’s defined who I am. My Venus is in Leo and my Mars in in Scorpio so I’m as intense a lover as it gets. I’m all in. If the sex doesn’t make me feel like I’m rolling then it’s not worth it to me. I am entering 2019 without it. But for the first time in my life I’m ok alone. And it’s the holidays. I really don’t get it. I’m a pretty fantastic package; beautiful, interesting, intelligent, witty, talented, active, extroverted, great in bed, understanding, pleasing, devoted, trustworthy, and I am THE BEST partner. But guys aren’t interested. I have yet to meet someone that looks at me and knows I am everything that they want. Now it’s to the point where I don’t need sex. I barely care about it, and now I’m afraid of it. Because when I do get it again from someone I’m into, I become activated. I go from not caring to wanting it all the time, needing the attention, affirmation, affection, connection, physically and mental stimulation. I’m scared of that activation. I have yet to meet a male counterpart who can handle it. Handle me. And I’m beginning to wonder if I ever will.