My son slept for eight hours straight last night! This has never happened since ever!!! Of course my sleep cycles are so fucked up I still woke up four or five times continuously in awe he had not awoke crying. He has always been a bad eater and an awful sleeper so much so that we would get angry at him because of how little sleep we would get, especially me. I’m ashamed of that anger and how there were times I had lightly held him down in his crib and exclaimed “Go to sleep Jashar!” as he continued his screams. Obviously I was not hurting him, I would never hurt him, it was just so much sleep deprivation and frustration…I would never ever hurt my son, I just was not continuously comforting his undetermined pain. Josh too, I would cringe on those really bad nights, because Josh sometimes wouldn’t understand his strength. He never hurt him either I promise, but I would yell at him and take Jashar away; because I was afraid he might without meaning too. Then of course once he calmed down or the following morning he would cry to me and say I’m sorry I got like that. Especially the nights when he’d drink. I fucking hate Jack. I will forever hate Jack because of what it brings out in Josh. He’s gotten to points where it’s as if he is not in control of what he is doing or saying. Never would he do or say those things in a state of lucid sobriety. Then the next morning not remembering any of it. Some nights I swear I counted as many as sixteen awakenings to which I would have to tend to his screams and pray he would go back down. Even in the bed with us, he would wake up continuously. The only solution in sight being insomnia. I use to demand eight to ten hours before my sixth month of pregnancy or I couldn’t function. Before being pregnant I’d need a beach run before work to “deal” then a shit ton of alcohol after work “to deal”. It’s amazing to discover how little of anything you need once you become a mom in order “to deal”.

I swear he slept so well last night, because he was on the couch with Josh and I just hanging out and there was no stress or drama, Josh was laughing at how funny Jashar was. Josh was enjoying himself and just “being” with us. Jashar fell asleep laying on both of us and I moved him to his crib without problem. Josh still has no idea what affect his personal turmoil has had on our developing son. Just like my father had on me. Josh tells me he wants me to pull more attitude with him, but what he doesn’t understand is I pulled back purposely for Jashar’s benefit. Because anything could set Josh off in the state of mind he’s allowed himself to live in, and the last thing I want is Jashar experiencing him angry and yelling at the top of his lungs or breaking shit as a result of it. Obviously never again would be best, and I told him that. That is no environment for a baby. You need calm, and quiet, and tranquil security. As soon as Josh began to calm down a few months back, Jashar began to cry less. I saw the change, and how the positive results reflected in both of them. He wanted sex again and I said that I thought you wanted to wait until your birthday to “recover”. He begged just for tonight as he kissed me and ran his hands all over my body. I said no, you told me you no longer enjoy sex with me. He said I do enjoy sex with you, it’s the porn. And I replied, “Well how am I suppose to feel about that. How am I suppose to want to have sex with those thoughts running through my head?” He then embraced me on the couch for several hours while we watched Hulu on my laptop. We no longer have a TV because Josh felt it was a distraction for all of us and threw the remote at it. That was about two months ago. The one consistency he tends to reveal is his continuous pattern of a few steps forward then a few steps back. Something, apparently that Paula Abdul was way to familiar with.