It’s been exactly one year to the date that I chose to pick me and take my life back. Yes, it partially might have been for the wrong reasons. Being the fact that I was not strong enough to do it on my own and needed the incredibly strong force of an oustide force. The Universe provided to me a falsified new love. It showed me a glimpse of what I could possibly attain if I was brave enough to leave my current Hell. Looking back, I can’t believe I willingly existed inside something like that for so long let alone at all. I was so lost. I had lost myself. Singing again were the first initial steps to finding myself again. Affirmation of my worth from another was the second. Josh felt my love waning and he questioned it. That’s all it took. I told him I was questioning whether we were good for each other and he immediately flew into one of his famous tyrannous fits and said, “You’re leaving me?!” That solidified my decision for me. I realized I couldn’t deal with this mess of a man anymore. He smashed my keyboard. I dropped my son off to my mom. I went to work and with the help of a coworker, figured out how to collect a few friends to help me move out, because I knew I couldn’t stay there a single night longer or I would be risking my life. It was awful. The cops were called. There was anger, violence, irrational insanity. That night I was told he was baker acted. Adam, Jackie, Craig, and my brother were witness to it. Adam and my brother helped me move all my shit to Brittany’s.

What ensued for the next year changed my life. I changed my life. I’ve been in this battle with myself and my surroundings. Putting on different masks. More recently I decided to cleanse myself of everything that gave me comfort. Alcohol, sugar, cheese, meat, anything I clung to on a daily basis. As a result I believe it screwed up my hormones. It was over 44 days since my last period, and I couldn’t help but feel my entire god given ability toward reproduction was shutting down in a permanency just as my desire for sharing my life with another male entity is. I go back and forth, in and out, like a 1980s pinball wizard, wanting to feel again, wanting to have that great love, wanting to find that soulmate juxtaposed with the emptiness of a sociopath who’s completely murdered all promise of the capability to experience love. 

I’m in an interesting place. I’m content. I’m grateful for the financial opportunities that have come my way and allowed me to care for myself and Jashar. I’m happy with just my son. I’m grateful and content with every moment I get to spend with him. There’s no longer this urgent need for immediate gratification or fulfillment. I no longer feel like if I don’t grab a hold of something and claim ownership of it, that it’s going to be gone forever….I feel a definite lack in my passions, which could be hibernating hormones, but that same calming force is also preventing me from making destructive decisions toward my self respect and personal worth. I truly believe good things are going to be happening for me. I feel like 2019 is also going to be my best year yet 

Being out of it now, having the spell broken, I have no idea how I allowed myself to exist inside that hell for so long. How I was living in such fear of changing my reality for the better, baffles my mind 

It’s been a year. 

I started taking maca and a week later my period came back, my energy came back, feelings started coming back. I feel I’m coming back. 2019 is about authenticity for me. I spent all of 2018 repairing and tending to my wombs and finding myself. Trying on different costumes and discovering what made me feel most comfortable in my own skin. I feel a renewed and activated  power and sense of self that I’ve never felt before. A confidence in who I am and who I’ve chose to be. I’ve been playing dress up all year trying to be versions of someone I’m not. Now I’m finally taking ownership of who I actually am. Embracing it, accepting it, reveling in it. I feel transformed. I’ve stopped clouding mind with copacetic addictions. Being completely present and comfortable in my reality for the very first time in my entire mortal existence. Do I have any idea what’s going to happen tomorrow? No. Does Josh still want to get back together? Yes. I told him he needs to find someone else. He says he doesn’t want anyone else, he wants the mother of his son. He says he wants to show me how he’s changed blah blah. I am not his redemption. I never will be. I can never forget what he put me through. I have to keep believing there is a better existence for me. I have been single for a year. The longest I’ve been single since 2004. That being the first year in my life I entered a relationship. My one of two. 7 years then 6 years. Basically back to back with a small 6 month separation. Finally I’ve found myself. Or most of it.