I know it’s been a while. Too long. Lots has happened. Never a dull moment. I just haven’t felt the urge to go there till today. Yes, there’s been more broken shit, outbursts, criticism, lashing out and unleashing onto every fiber of my being. Lots of depression….After Halloween it became a few days each week he said that he would speak about killing himself, hating his life and wanting to die. I think it’s insomnia and depression. His mom thinks it’s bi polar and needs to be treated. Here’s the short list….extreme depression, severe anxiety, insomnia, uncontrollable anger, porn addiction, and substance abuse. My good friend Chris said to me that he thinks the “mental illness” is complete bullshit. He told you he hates his life and he wants to die…..because he’s with you!

I am a place marker, a vacuous vessel, a body. Somebody he is settling for because I am his crutch and his comfort. I give all my emotional energy, love, and support and he takes it willingly without giving any back to meet my own needs. I am drained, exhausted, aggravated, and tired. I thought if I loved hard enough it would eventually come. I thought we had the potential of being soul mates. I’m realizing now that it doesn’t work like that. It is or it isn’t, and it happens from jump. If he loved me and saw me for who I am, he would have placed me on a pedestal and continuously tried to prove himself every single step of the way. I was recently called an incredible and amazing woman recently, and I finally truly believe it. Chris always told me we weren’t right for each other. That’s  not entirely true. I am right for him. I am unconditionally loving, supportive, caring, nurturing, giving, intelligent, creative, forgiving, patient, beautiful, strong, healthy, focused, driven, passionate, and the list goes on. But he never wanted it. He forced himself to tolerate me because he was lonely and had nothing or no one else. I was his survival when I should have been his revelation. And I still don’t understand why he never could see it, any of it. He never saw me. He always saw what I wasn’t….to him. Maybe he’ll see it one day when he no longer has me trapped in his little cage of jealousy, control and insecurity.

One day I will have a partner, a soulmate, who loves every single piece of me for who I am. Thinks all of me is completely amazing. Will protect and love every bit of me and have complete trust in who I am and how I feel. Who will let me pursue what endeavors I want, be friends with whoever I want, make the decisions and choices I want to make because they have complete confidence not only in themselves and myself but in us.