I knew I spoke too soon. It’s my birthday tomorrow, and all I want is to enjoy it because I haven’t had the opportunity to in 3 or 4 years.  My aunt took my son last Saturday and a small group of us went to an escape room, and did a water taxi bar hop. We were truthfully exhausted by 11 and called it an early evening. Surprising for us I know. But it was great. No drama. Chris told me he forgot how much he enjoyed hanging out with Josh. Like I said, things have been going smoothly. But it’s not my birthday yet! Still lots of time for that freight train to run it’s course. And yesterday afternoon it did. I was suppose to have some me time. Meet a few friends for “brunch” which really means day drinking in my world, and Josh was already giving me issue about it before I left. Telling me I don’t dress that way for him (total lie) I never dress sexy around the house (I barely wear anything around the house it’s so damn hot, but I guess that’s still not sexy enough for a porn addict) I never act like I want him, I never tell him he’s sexy, he doesn’t feel appreciated. A bunch of bullshit. He told me I better be home by 4 or he’s going to come down there and drag me out by my hair. I just ignored him. He’s stays out till 3 in the morning but god forbid I have a little fun with friends and make it home before dinner time. I don’t get it. Well, all 3 friends cancelled on me and the universe threw me into the lap of this girl named Alli. She has two kids and is my age and we have a similar energy and it was a lot of fun. I was mainly sticking to a Lagunitas IPA and swore off the whiskey for good. There was a tequila shot in there and I did start off the afternoon with 2 banana coladas in Lulu’s that a mystery admirer bought for me but never revealed his face. Of course I met Alli and her two companions Alex and Gonzo in Blondie’s. As I walked up they were standing outside talking to the bouncer and the look on this intoxicated girl’s face made me smile and I thought to myself, “God this is why I love this place.”

I apparently chose to sit in their seats which I originally assumed were unoccupied. Gonzo tried to remove me and she reprimanded his rudeness and told him to buy me a drink. We became friends fast. During the next few hours, Josh was texting random shit about gerbils and wanting to go to Petsmart when I got home. He also wrote about finding the vodka and getting drunk with Moosh, but I assumed he was joking. I was trying to tab out and my card was declining despite there being ample funds available. Alli walked me over to Treasure Trove to wait a beer before I tried again. So I try to tab out, still with no luck and Josh is rambling on about me not picking up my phone and my keyboard and laptop being in pieces. Thank god that was a bluff. Alli took care of my tab, and I rushed home ridden with anxiety fully expecting Josh to raise a ruckus just so he could storm out the door and avoid his caricaturing responsibility and go drinking. What ensued was so much worse.

I was intoxicated enough not to remember entirely what we were screaming about but we ended up in the bathroom and he threw the laundry hamper over my head and pushed me over into the tub. Or I lost my balance and fell, either way same thing. I just remember laying there in a receptacle inside of a receptacle and my son staring down at me saying “Mommy?” Josh was banging shit around in the kitchen and screaming, “Where is my beer? What’d you do with it?” I told him you drank them all! So he grabs the $50 bottle of champagne my friend’s boyfriend got me for my birthday and locks himself in the bedroom with it. I’m yelling all types of shit at him that I know is just going to instigate him, but I am so angry at this point I don’t care and I am just awaiting the sounds of wreckage resulting from his next outburst.

Well it was the bedroom door. He punched two holes through it. After he drank the remaining beer and champagne he went outside and built a fire pit and started hacking down small palm trees with a hammer. He started burning them and this broken stool I used as a dry stand for garbage bags on there way to the outside bin. He just kept yelling about bullshit the entire time and at one point came at me and put his hands on my throat never hard enough to leave a mark but just long enough to cut off my air supply before he let go. And yes, all in front of our 2 year old son. Everything he hates or feels wronged by, everyone that he feels has mistreated him, he puts on me, looks to me to punish and seek retribution. I who have only loved him. I seriously was thinking he has to be bi polar. That is the only explanation. This comes out of nowhere. But then I hear bi polar has extreme highs and extreme lows, and I’ve only seen the extreme negatives and something resembling normal. I cowered in the kitchen trying to shield my son’s ears whispering, “Don’t listen to him”, as Josh continued to scream and rage his unnecessary war with us and himself. He eventually quieted down and fell asleep. I cleaned up, gave my son a bath and put him to bed. I fell asleep only to be awakened by Josh breathing in my ear like a demonic beast. He said, “I know everything I did wasn’t right but that is who I am. I hope you listened. I’ve forgiven you, I’ve forgiven you” I didn’t even want to acknowledge the fact that none of that made any sense nor did I even want to feel his presence. I went on the couch. He woke me up later and asked what happened. When he asked me that I felt a maniacal joker laugh bursting from my lips, I couldn’t fathom his lack of sense of reality. I gave him a rundown and he told me to go to bed. I said I had, but he wanted me to go into the bedroom which I came to find out was because he wanted to use the computer to look up best riding compilations on porn hub and masturbate himself into even more additional shame. It’s always all or nothing with this one. His response to me was another tirade of how I’m not sexual enough with him. Why can’t I be more sexual with him around our son. How there is something wrong with me because I can’t be. Why do I think there’s something wrong with that? Why do I feel it isn’t appropriate to act that way round your children? And if I am already having issue with walls that Josh has helped build up how does he think that these actions and words are going to make me be more loving and sexual toward him. Give even more than I’ve already given, like some battered dog begging his master for love and attention. I may be hoping for a better tomorrow with him but I am not that way. I have shown and given him more love than he’s ever deserved to receive from me. If he wants anything more from me, he needs to love me more first. He needs to love me more and when he thinks that he’s loved me enough then he needs to love me even harder and show me that for once it’s no longer only about him.