I’m almost hesitant to even put this out into the universe, because it seems to follow suit that in these very moments where I find myself dropping my guard and relinquishing my defenses I only come to realize that my implied reality is not in fact my actual reality and shit completely proceeds to hit the fan. But I feel happy! I feel myself in a “light” place again. Things are good, things are calm. Not saying there aren’t still the occasional small spits and spats, but there is love and what seems to be openness and honesty in my home and in my life. Not saying I haven’t had my moments. I still go on Amazon and think about buying a GPS tracker in order to know for certain whether I am still believing a fist full of lies. I’ve wondered whether a week of pay to a PI would be worth it to me to ease my paranoid curiosity. To stifle this disease I now possess. Would the possibility of burning money be worth it to conceivably qualm my wavering sanity?

But then I stand corrected by my true cowardice as I step back inside my bubble of denial/honest reality??… here’s hoping. Who fucking knows? Has he given me reason to be this way? Fuck yes. Since Father’s Day…..no. So now I find myself hanging on for dear life to that magical effervescent entity called Hope. Now I know why people name their children that. They must have gone through so much emotionally devastating bullshit for that word to resonate so deeply with them and become such a piece of their being that they needed it to stay a daily reminder for the rest of their days. How can one even fathom to exist without their child….how can anyone ever fathom to exist without Hope?

I recently had a friend whom I thought was becoming a best friend. A female best friend. Something I had never had. We hung out several times a week and spoke via text throughout each day. Our children got along amazingly, and I felt a connection I hadn’t felt in a really long time. The friendship was newer, but it was blossoming and I simply couldn’t picture my life without them in it. I naively assumed they would be in our lives forever and our children would grow up together. I felt her yield a real love and affection onto my son and myself and I felt the same way about them. I thought we were open and honest with each other. But of course that’s my MO. I tend to open myself completely when I meet someone I feel needs to be in my life. I feel their aura and I feel a gravitational pull towards it. I desire their essence, not necessarily sexually but more so emotionally….and I expect them to do and be the same way because of how strongly I feel this, but they rarely ever do. I set myself up for emotional heartbreak by being this way, but I am simply too addicted to the energy I feel. I differentiate the exclusivity and special nature in those situations and know it doesn’t happen all the time. I yearn for it, and when I find it again in whatever form it takes I don’t want to let it go.

I admired her patience and understanding and the qualities she instills into her three girls and felt I learned a multitude of parenting and personal applications that my son would only benefit from. Things took a turn recently when her father got into a motorcycle accident and was admitted to the ICU. He was on his way to being discharged when he contracted an infectious blood disease, was put on life support, and soon after died very suddenly. I can’t imagine how devastating it is for her. He lived with her and his grandchildren and they were very close. To see how deeply this tragedy would affect them and uproot their lives, all I wanted to do was be there for her and help in any way that I could. For whatever reason, she seized all communication with me and I haven’t heard from her in two months. I know I need to give her time, I know she is the one with the great loss and not me, but I didn’t even realize the last time we saw them was going to be the last time we saw them. All I want to do is be there for her and she’s denied me this honor. Isn’t that what great friends do? Be there for you in your most dire times of need? I am by no means a fair weather friend, and that’s exactly the choice she made for me. It hurts my heart. It hurts like hell. To know I am out of control and helpless to the situation and have no say in the response to it all. I feel like I am never going to see them again. All I can do is hope that she contacts me eventually. Chooses to allow me into their lives again. I can’t imagine I did anything to offend her, even though I keep obsessively running each and every final communication over and over again through my mind. Analyzing the things I said or didn’t say. Maybe I seemed too needy and she didn’t think she could handle that in her life right now. Maybe I seemed like I didn’t possess the proper tools for her to turn to. I just wanted to help her through this time. Be there for the anxiety attacks, feelings of inadequacy and helplessness and emotional breakdowns. I would not judge, I would not shame, she would have no need to feel embarrassment of any kind, I would just be. Offer my friendship as a distraction, because that’s what I would want. I would want to be around my friends constantly.

But she’s not me. I’ve always had a disconnection with death. I separate myself from it. To me, it happens, nothing can be changed. Sometimes there’s no explanation or higher purpose and no matter how hard you look there will never be one. The only person that would leave me so devastated that I would no longer be able to breathe would be my son. I don’t know what I would do if I ever lost him. He, I could not distract or replace. He is my world and my everything. That would be a lot for me. That would be too much. I know I’m being selfless in a very selfish way. I’m being selfish with selfless intentions, and a wise speaker once told me intentions are nothing but bullshit. I’m trying not to make it about me. There was even a thought in my head that said if I could I would trade her my father’s life so that she would not have to feel this pain, because I think I could deal with it better. But that in itself is even more selfish and arrogant and ego-maniacal than I’m meaning to be . What even gives me the right to think such thoughts? It’s horrid of me. But I also know it’s coming from a good place. I know I would still be devastated because of all the unresolved issues I’d have with my father, but thinking that I am so use to dealing with emotional pain I wouldn’t believe it would hit me as hard. I have the ability to disconnect myself, go cold to it and push it aside. But isn’t that exactly what she’s doing? Unleashing an explosion that’s devastating her emotional battle, and I’ve become the fallen shrapnel. She has dealt with a ton of emotional pain as well, more than I could imagine. Maybe this is her final hand. This is her disconnecting. I believed her to be so much more elevated and in tune with life but maybe this was the breaking point for her and she just couldn’t take any more pain.

It has been better with my father. He has been more supportive lately. I want to start my own business. I want to put myself out there and sing. He is supportive of me putting this together, and I appreciate that. I appreciate him not immediately closing it off as an idiotic idea and having enough faith in my abilities to expect me to pull this off. I know I can do it. My personal growth and confidence have been and still are a slow and forming process, but I feel the positive incline. I know things are getting better and they only will get better. That’s the secret right? Your own positive introspection yielding positive outcomes. Manifest destiny and all that Tony Robbins bullshit. He is a pillar example of manifest destiny and also a king of bullshit. They all are. Knowing the millions of people destroying their opportunities over and over again cycling toward their own demise but providing a cash cow for another’s success. Another who can harness that weakness and mold it into a strength, take advantage of the ones they know will never reach that level of understanding but so desperately want to. The ones who start over every Monday and expect to change their path and alter their vices by the next. You know who you are. You stare one down every time you look in the mirror to brush your teeth. How will you break the pattern, how will you change the strain? What will finally be that catalyst that drives you enough to prove them wrong…Fuck hope. It takes a lot more than that. Hope is for the level one and the weak minded even though we all still need it to make it through level two and beyond. How will you finally beat your own self sabotage, defeat your own worst enemy and invoke the change?