Sober is not just without substance. Without the clouded aid of drugs and alcohol. Sober is also a drought of infatuation, passion, lust. All of the above muddled my intelligence and overall good judgment when I met Josh. I felt it all so extremely that nothing could make me want to take it away. I want those feelings back. I want to know that all this mental anguish and uncertainty is for an epic love of an end result. I’ve tasted the toxin. I know it exists, in all of its obsessive and controlling glory. It was better than any combination of drugs that I had ever experienced, and I thought it was limitless. I need to know all of this isn’t just in vain. Why is every day filled with so much uncertainty? I see it in the sad expressions of trapped disappointment on Josh’s face, and I know he feels it too. I hang in there, because I have drank from the fountain, I was fucking drowning in it. He, however, never felt it, and I wonder if he ever will. If he had I wouldn’t be bearing witness to those expressions branded into his beautiful face. If those memories and the future recreated possibilities and the idea of even better is keeping me around, what is motivating him? That scares the shit out of me. That right there is why I have so much uncertainty about tomorrow, because I truthfully don’t know if he is going to want to be in it. For such a selfish person, I feel he is surprisingly sticking around out of obligation and guilt. He is attempting to hold some responsibility, he is attempting to fight his selfish nature. But I don’t want him to exist in misery. To be present, yet saturnine. I don’t want to be one of those women who forces a man to be around out of necessity of expectation. But I love him, I want him to want to, I want him to want to because he loves me, because he loves Jashar. I want him to want to, because he is happy!

I fear that this will not end well. But I don’t want to think that! I don’t want to will that destiny into existence, completely dismantling my present and future prospects of my happily ended modern day fairy tale. Where the prince and princess go through so much bullshit but also enormous self growth helping each other reach their destinies and goals together and love each other even more because they made it to the other side forever in tandem hand and hand.

I don’t want sober sex. Trying to trick and will your psyche into something that it will never be again. I want the indisputable, incomparable feelings of crazy, insane, do anything to get that fix, I will dies for your soul and yours for mine, no one can touch us or tell us different because we cannot breathe another breathe without the other irrevocable love.