I feel light. I feel lighter… enlightened even. I feel happy and have a confidence and a desire I haven’t felt in a long time. The origin of this revitalization is somewhat unknown, but there are a few factors that might be contributing. It sounds so simple and stupid, but I took a picture with my family yesterday and I noticed I looked damn good! I’m usually so critical of myself and I couldn’t help but feel really good about myself when I saw it. Is gaining self confidence really that simple? Just seeing yourself in a different light?

Last night Josh and I talked. I told him I’ve been very confused about where he stands and it’s difficult for me to believe that I am with someone who after four years is unclear about how they feel about me. He clarified the other night for me and the epiphany I apparently helped him realize. What he acknowledged was the fact that he had been projecting all of his bullshit on to me. When he saw me as negative and lacking confidence and anything else that festered dislike, it was his own disappointments in himself that he was projecting on me. His hatred of himself was making him question not only his love for me but his love for Jashar as well. He said he realizes he has a great life that he doesn’t want to lose and he must learn to love himself. He told me there won’t be any more emotional bombs or surprises from now on, but I will take it day to day and see.

I’ve decided that I will treat him like the amazing man I know is underneath all of the pollution and garbage in hope that it will aid in his self transformation with a more positive consistency. I’ve had it stuck in my head to not reward bad behavior, but I’m going to take a risk and start anew. I know all the pain he has caused me is not my fault, but if I keep reminding him of the person he was he will never become the person that he is trying ti be and that I know he can be.