Have you ever entered into a period of your life where you feel like your mind is being fucked so aggressively sideways that you know longer know whether it’s the aggressor’s fault or if you are actually acting like a self sabotaging crazy bitch? That’s when you know the manipulator has truly perfected his craft.

Everything I say pisses him off. My constant insecurities annoy him so much so that I felt like last night it was essential for him to avoid my presence in order to find some peace. At least that’s how I read into the fact that when he came home he went right to sleep until I put Jashar to bed then went on a two hour run so by the time he came home I was already in bed. Then he tells me he wants to go to Wynwood to check out an Art Show on Saturday night and I became upset about it, because I wanted to go to! This morning we got into a fight about it because I wanted to find a babysitter and he said he didn’t want to go anymore. Why not? Now all of a sudden we don’t have the money for that even though two nights ago he was saying the reason our relationship is failing is because I’m too cheap to hire someone to watch Jashar so we could go out together more? Because that’s the version of me he likes. I apparently act differently when we are out together. Maybe because I feel a little freedom again, and I can temporarily forget the responsibility I have waiting at home for me. He wants to know why the three of us can’t just go out together. Because of that! Why can’t we do both? Why do I feel like you are avoiding opportunities to spend time with me! Yes, I am paranoid and neurotic and insecure and rightfully so! You have made me this way! You have made me feel fucking emotionally insane inside my head! Every two weeks, you drop bombs…internal explosions of manipulative turmoil! For the past few weeks, he’s been telling me he wants to spend his life with me, he wants to marry me, he wants me pregnant with our second child no later than now. Then two nights ago he lays on me all that bullshit about wanting to break up and we’ve never been right for each other! Then makes me feel guilty and self destructive, because I am holding on to this and I can’t let it go and allow us to move forward. Hello!

I am not the crazy one here. This morning when we were arguing about Wynwood he tells me I thought we really connected the other night. I said I honestly left the conversation feeling slightly confused, and he got pissed off about my paranoid insecurities! Saying that I didn’t want him to go to Miami alone in fear of what he’d do. I told him I thought it was a good opportunity for us to spend some quality time together and have a little fun, not so I could keep an eye on him. Fuck it man, just go. Maybe that’s what he wants me to say…Does he get pissed off and throw a tiny tantrum just so he can get his way? I never thought Josh was an idiot, but it still paralyzes me to think of the possibility of him being the master manipulator I fear him to be. If he’s as good as I imagine and fear, I never stood a chance.