I’ve always wanted it but never had it. Or the ability to express it at least. I’ve known and watched countless women express it, but I could never duplicate it without feeling wrong. Confidence, an overabundance of….not arrogance, but some would interpret it at such. Possibly just the jealous one would. I have longed for it since grade school. I use to interpret it as manipulation and sex appeal. Those girls could get anything they want and make anyone do anything. I watched from a distance, longing to do what they did, feel what they felt, be how they were.

I never felt like I deserved to act that way, like my shit didn’t stink. Like I walked on water, like no one could touch me. Like I was the coolest, most beautiful, most deserving thing that walked on this Earth or even beyond it. Everyone loves people like that, they are magnetized to them. They are leaders, the movers and the shakers, people buy whatever they are selling, whether it’s worth two cents or not. This is such an amazing attribute, because you have the ability to convince anyone you are everything even when you are nothing. Why have I always felt like I was nothing? Does it all really boil down to the one simple fact that what these women all have in common was a loving father who acted and felt as if they walked on water. A father who constantly made them feel this way. A father who fueled their blooming ego and helped it flourish into adulthood? That constant reassurance that I never received and feel I need so desperately every day. I pretend like I don’t need it, but I know that pretense is just denial. I know that deep down I feel like everything can be taken from me in just a split second’s time. Sometimes I almost expect it and mentally prepare myself for that moment. However, I don’t think there is any amount of preparation that is adequate for when one of those moments actually occurs. So then why a I so concerned with it all? Why can’t I just let it all go and exist fully in the moment completely loving myself and accepting who and what I am? But do I even know who and what that is? Can we ever really find out, or do we just draw up conclusions that we ourselves fabricate and interpret through others eyes and words….

Does it all stem from your parents upbringing? Or is it engraved in your genetics? Our creator blesses some with this wonderful gift while he leaves others naked in the dust grasping at straws, clawing their way through life trying to trick their mind into thinking this way,but subconsciously knowing it will always be a lie. If i don’t teach myself to adopt this gift, this ability to exude everyone else’s hopes, fears, and dreams through my own personal essence, I fear I will lose what it is I want and who and what I care about. This is Aladdin’s lamp. This is the magic in a bottle. This is absolute happiness. The steps to possessing it is another story. A journey of self evolution, preservation, and awareness without fear of transgression or desire of letting go.