Josh came home to me last night and opened up like he never has before. He talked about everything in sincere detail starting from his days in high school and what got him to this point now. He apologized a thousand times for making me the receptacle for all his pain. He wasn’t always like this when he move down here it changed him. New friends took him out clubbing and made him realize what he could be. What he could make happen with women. This is the same old sob story. Quiet innocent gets his heart broken then moves to big city and becomes the loveless man whore. He had prayed to God to never be able to feel love again, to never fall in love until it was with the woman that was to be his wife. He wanted to the whole bachelor lifestyle and was completely consumed with having sex with different women. He didn’t want to love or be love or care, then I came along. That’s why he says he struggled for years because he didn’t want to love me and he continuously did everything he could to push me away, but he knew in the back of his mind that I was the one. I was the forever. He’s hated himself and taken it out on me. Through everything I’ve stayed with him and still loved him. He says I’m the purest thing in his life and he wants to be everything and to give me everything for the rest of ours.

This all started, because I wanted more clarification on Molly. I wanted to know if he had been dating her, taking her out. He said they only went out twice and the second meeting is what resulted in sex. He said they played pool and had drinks. God, I wonder if everyone in that place knows that he’s been cheating on me. There’s a part of me that feels so embarrassed walking in there. Like they all look at me and think, “That girl’s life is a lie.” But who knows. Josh told me that his girlfriends before me down here were just about sex. He would always put them in the same positions or have them say a certain thing like he had heard in his porn films. He told me he knows if I had done some of the things that he had done to me he would have smashed everything in here and walked out and never come back and gone down into such a dark place he didn’t know what would happen next.

He told me he was younger he wanted that fairy tale relationship like in the movies and when he sees the pictures of me from high school, he thinks I’m the prettiest girl he’s ever seen. I would have been his dream girl and he could see that fairy tale happening with me. He said if he had met me in high school the whole course of his life would have been different. but who knows. Again he spoke about what he wants for us, his dreams, his promises to me, but in those conversations I saw glimpses of a man. Even through the tears, he seemed more of a man to me than he ever had, and I began to see the man that I knew he always was. The man that I’ve always wanted and deserved and knew he could be. There was so much he said. It was all important but to repeat it without experiencing him telling it like I did can still make it smell of bullshit. There’s just choices. Choices to believe in an uncertainty. Will he stand by what he says and be everything he claims he will. Will he love me the way he says I deserve to be….or will he go back on his word and continue these hurtful transgressions….

I don’t know what the future holds. One side of the coin is a fairy tale where happily ever after is an actual reality. The other side of the coin is continuous heartbreak, anger, and pain. God help him if he chose the latter.