I just don’t understand how it can be so easy for him to cheat yet he tells me I’m the one and he’s in love with me. That makes no sense whatsoever to me. He supposedly wasn’t even attracted to these women, it was just about the sex. He still had to make an effort. He still had to make them “feel special”. He still had to participate! No woman would ever accept sex without participation. He still had to kiss them, grope their bodies, make them wet… He had to put in the work.

How dare he….How dare he make another woman feel special and cause me pain. I’m the one he’s suppose to protect. I’m the one that’s suppose to feel special! I wish I could see it. The whole goddamn thing. I would watch it like a movie and over analyze every last detail. If it was that easy for him to stray with what he considers “meaningless beach trash”. What happens when the ones come along that aren’t “meaningless trash”, the one’s that are attractive? Because they will come. How easy would it be then? Josh should have been in the NFL. But God forbid he was! Imagine the flocks of pussy that would be lining up to push me aside. If he could stray so easily with “unattractive” women, imagine the challenges I would be facing then…

These were the texts he sent me today, “I’m so sorry for everything. I know you’re mad at me and probably hate me right now. But I love you and wanted to be honest with you. Cause I want to live a peaceful life with you and our children with no lies or regrets. I’m so sorry.”

I told him that I’m scared because he’s been feeding me that text since Jashar was born. And I posed the question of what I spoke about above. He replied, “You’re the woman for me, I’m attracted to you and in love with you.” I told him his actions make that exceedingly difficult to believe and I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt and he continues to burn me.

Then he sent, “I’m not perfect, baby. I’ve had and still have a lot to overcome. But I know that all the shit I’ve done to us and myself is gone and done with and will never surface again. I’m gonna be a changed man. A real man that stands for principles and values. You’re the greatest blessing in my life and I mean it and have meant it every time I’ve said it. I’ve been nothing but a burden to you like some big child that never wanted to grow up. I don’t want to be a burden to you anymore. I want to be that blessing in your life that you are to me.”

I told him that’s all I’ve wanted. But what do I do with all of this? Where do I draw the line between forgiveness and self respect? When do I give up the hope and positive outlook and let my heart completely break in order to stop disrespecting myself…at what point do I give up and break free…