I was ready to begin to open my heart again. I could feel it. I could feel it last night when I put my arms around him and we kissed in a warm embrace. I felt my heart begin to melt again. Then as I was giving our son a bathe he emotionally blindsided me and said, “I have to tell you something.”

“It’s all been a lie. Everything I have told you, our whole relationship has been a lie. I’ve been unfaithful to you.” I felt like it wasn’t even real. Every feeling that things had been getting better were falling away like kicked over domino. It was deja vu that was stuck on a disastrous replay.

Every fear, every paranoid thought running through my head was justified. He’s continued to be unfaithful to me. This year! This year he slept with someone else! He’s already tainted 2016! It’s only March. Oh but wait, there was only two. Two times he says. How am I suppose to believe anything? Two times since we last had this conversation…He says what he said to me earlier about me being the one and he wants to be with me forever and he’s committed to me is the truth. He needed to get this off of his chest so that there were no longer any secrets that he would be keeping from me. There was no longer guilt for him to feel. He wanted a clear conscious so that we could move on with our lives together and get married!

My reaction was numbness. He has drained so much from me that I can’t even react anymore. He said he went to their houses. He didn’t feel pleasure from it, just more pain and guilt. He never wanted to hurt me blah blah.He doesn’t want to be this man anymore that is why he is letting all of it go. He’s going to be whom I deserve if I’ll still have him.

I basically got proposed to and cheated on in the same day. I really don’t know how to feel. Right when I was starting to trust him again, he reminds me that I can’t, then tells me that I can! I love him so much and I am so hurt by this, because I don’t want to share him with anyone. I don’t want to share myself with anyone else! It was just two times and he was protected he says. It’s not gonna happen again he says. He knows now that I’m the one he says and it’s something he’s always known but he was just afraid to allow himself to accept it and love me back he says. He’s never loved anyone the way he loves me, he says!

All of my paranoia was not in vain. That was not the affirmation for my sanity I was hoping. So again, I forgive him. Again, I give him another opportunity to prove to me that he’s no longer just a pack of lies. Again, I give him the opportunity to prove that he is this imaginary prince charming of greatness. This perpetual example of chivalrous masculinity. Prove that he can defy the stereotype and conquer his fears and ill controlled desires. He says he doesn’t want those things, he doesn’t want other women, he’s in love with me, I’m beautiful, he’s attracted to me, he wants to be with me…

Then why do it!

I’m just sad. I feel like I don’t want to do anything for him anymore. Why would I want to help bring him any amount of pleasure when he’s brought me so much pain. How do I get past this? I’m so emotionally jilted. Oh God, I think I’m about to enter into the anger stage…