I was so deeply lost in love with Josh that as badly as he treated me, it was if he could do no wrong. I haven’t felt that in a while because my heart has been more guarded and my trust completely destroyed. In order to not feel like a crazy person wondering if he was doing something behind my back every second he wasn’t by my side -which is the majority of our days- I’ve had to simply not care or act in denial as if the possibility did not exist.
He has been more loving to me recently, and it’s been hard for me to accept. Yesterday he sent me a text that read, “I never thought I could love anyone the way I love you now. You are the greatest blessing to come into my life.”
I had two reactions to that. One being heart warming bliss and the other being what did I do to receive that praise? What have I done differently that I haven’t for the past four years we’ve been together? Or more for that matter…I realized that it’s not me that’s doing things differently, it’s him. Late last night as we’re lying in bed he said to me, “I know I’ve done a lot of fucked up shit to hurt you, and I know there have been other women and reasons for you not to trust me, but I am so in love with you and I am completely committed to you. I’m sorry it’s taking me four years to fall in love with you but I want to be with you forever and I want to marry you soon and I want to grow old with you, and I never want to hurt you again and I want to be able to give you and our children everything. I never want you to feel like you can’t trust me ever again. I never want to hurt you ever again.” I kissed him and maybe two minutes later kissed him again and said “I love you too”.
Don’t get me wrong I was elated to hear all of that but my initial reaction was sadness and pain. I have given up so much of myself in the past four years to him -to us, and he’s saying he’s never been in love with me until this very moment? I felt completely used. It’s such a double edged sword of confusion. Can I erase everything that I have been through and find those beautiful feelings of passionate Shakespearean love again? That elated, life consuming love that became lost amidst the garbage of emotional abuse that has tainted my soul… The garbage that he created. I haven’t been writing as much through this medium, but I have been musically. My one true passion. I’ve always found substitutes when I didn’t have my music and I have to admit that Josh was one of them. I’ve always held myself back, for lack of not being able to play an instrument. I always thought I needed someone else. So I wasted years, making excuses, finding replacement conduits, mostly unhealthy to vent my frustration through. I’ve been finally trying to teach myself. Compose my own stuff. Obviously not as complex as I’d like it to be, but you have to start somewhere. My next step toward expression of bravery and confidence will be to post them on Youtube. I’ve always wanted music. It was without fail the only path I saw since age 7. From 14 till now, I’ve been too stupid and scared to take more charge of my own destiny. And my parents were to practical to help. To them, it was nothing more than “a hobby”. Unfortunately, that hobby was way too strong to allow me to ever make any headway toward a more socially acceptable professional mark as well. All my siblings/cousins are lawyers, doctors, engineers, and then there’s me….just a messy pot of broken dreams.
I want to be with Josh. I do love him. I know we have a real shot at making it, but I also feel like we have to rediscover ourselves as a couple and as individuals within that couple. I guess that’s called growing together. All relationships must make that choice and do it successfully in order to grow stronger or else they give up and fail. It’s so crazy that I have a beautiful man who is telling me he loves me, he’s in love with me, he love me like he’s never loved anyone else before, and here I am questioning the validity of that love because of what we’ve experienced together. What I’ve experienced with him. He came into our relationship loaded down with pain and instead of working through each of our pain together -helping each other through all of it, he’s just repeatedly caused me more.
Josh is telling me that he broke through all of his bullshit and now his heart is finally open to me. Now it is my choice to make. Can I push aside the past and mentally and emotionally breakthrough to a fresh start…
God help him if he goes back on his words. My walls will only seal tighter. Together, we will discover first hand the metamorphosis of a loving, heart warming woman to cold and frigid bitch.