Jashar is sick again. He has a fever this time that keeps oscillating but is staying below 103. At least according to our ear thermometer reading. I was told that is pretty normal for a toddler. I left to get medicine and when I returned I found Josh comforting him in our bed. Seeing the two of them bound in such a loving embrace melted my heart and made me fall in love with both of them all over again, especially Josh because Jashar is a given. I’m sure the prolific amounts of sexcapades we initiated last night helped those endorphines along as well. We broke in the kitchen and the new couch, rather well I’d say. Josh couldn’t shut up about how amazing it all was, how amazing I was… He asked me what did I do to my pussy…It’s a nice change to get such lavish compliments from him about everything he use to complain about. It really was “him” using me as a battering ram for all his ill felt emotions and self doubt and personal disappointments. He was the problem, not me, I see that now, and it seems his vision is beginning to clear up as well. I have to believe that what I am experiencing now is the truth. He’s like an undiagnosed mild bi polar and what we are in right now is a phase of highs. Let’s keep it rocking upward if I have any say in the matter. I don’t ever want to come back down.

He wants me to stop birth control and says that he would be happy if I were to get pregnant. Which is total crazy talk. We are finally approaching a somewhat healthy place in our relationship. We are finally being able to “handle everything”…almost. Leave it to Mr. Bipolar to want to rock the boat before it’s even been harbored for overnight maintenance; fucking capsize that bitch.

This is all good though. I feel good. He feels sane. I feel the progress he is making with his selfish nature. I see him compromising with me more, not only acknowledging his mistakes but correcting them instead of just talking about it. He’s more patient with Jashar. More loving with both of us. I can only hope this pattern continues. If it does, I might actually get that fairy tale that I always saw with him. That would certainly be one for the books. As far gone as Josh was, as awful as he has treated me, for me to stick by him and stand strong through all the bullshit, for him to actually emerge to be the great man that I always saw but equally wondered if I would ever truly be enough to help complete his transition.He could be such a great father and role model to Jashar, and such a great life partner and soulmate to me. There are inklings that this far fetched fictitious dream is closer to reality than anyone would have ever thought. I’ve always said that I am loyal to a fault. Loyal to my personal detriment and destruction….

This could be a new beginning for me. A new beginning where my choices no longer make me out to be the martyr or the victim. This marks a beginning where my decisions will finally be seen as smart and right. My life could even possibly become envious instead of pitied, although that is hardly important to me. For I never gave up hope, I always saw the light through the depths of the deepest darkness. As my mom said to me once, “You made your bed.”

Yes mom, I certainly did, and I’m more than happy to lay in it forever….or at least the foreseeable future.