Human emotions tend to be so fracturing and flippant, instantaneously wavering at the mere glimmer of a selfish desire or need. I believe the subconscious is more deep set and harder to break, but the surface instincts coated in impatience are what seem to always get us in trouble. Luis has been texting me, but I haven’t felt the urge to respond. I feel very much in love with Josh right now. His affections have been adequately satiating my desire to explore that particular curiosity. He’s been delivering ample embraces and expressing his love often. Sometimes more often than I care to reciprocate. When one says I love you it is only proper relationship etiquette to respond with the same. How dare you remain so selfish as to withhold that affirmation from them when they so generously decided to bestow it to you. It does tend to get annoying when it’s overdone. Quite the touchy conversation starter. I can hear his retort now, “I just can’t win! First I don’t tell you enough and show you enough affection! Now it’s too much! blah blah blah”

He called me this morning ten minutes into his work day to tell me how nice my ass looked this morning and how he couldn’t wait to fondle it later. To make sure I rub some cocoa butter on it for him. Sure babe…

Why do I feel this way? I am missing the desperate desire to be with him that I once had. Maybe it was driven by manipulation, but for me it was intense emotion and an absolute definitive desire to be his. To be consumed by him. It was passion, it was art, it was motivation and desire, it was everything. It was the same way I would feel when I would create music. It was life to me. It made me feel alive. Now I’m not wishing for drama and problems, because we have enough of them. Maybe we just need to experience a little excitement together sans child. Maybe that’s all I need. A little change of pace. See things in a different light. See us in a different light. I feel like he went through all of this months ago and expressed it to me, maybe not through the best methods and of course I responded badly to it, because I was afraid of losing him. Now I am not so sure. I know I can survive emotionally without him so maybe that is what has changed. I still find him extremely attractive, but before it was like I couldn’t stop taking pictures of him because I was in awe of how attracted I was to him. I definitely had an obsession it seems. And now it also seems I have traveled outside of it. Maybe that’s what’s always been wrong with our relationship. We have always been in different places emotionally at different times. I let myself fall. Fall so hard I was completely out of control of the repercussions. A love sick puppy who’s only desire was to acquire Josh’s heart and own his desire which I’m not completely confident I ever had. It was a challenge that I wanted to conquer, a quest that I wished to transcend above all other impulses. For him to see me and no one else, for him to think me as the most attractive woman above all others…that was the ultimate goal.

It’s probably a good thing I can now take a step back and see things more clearly, more realistically. It’s my turn to hold some of the cards. It’s my turn to take back some of the power. It would be nice if the shoe was finally on the other foot for once. I need to own into my womanhood. Express it fully, love it, and relish in it. And get what I deserve. Whether it be from this man, or if he be so foolish as to not deliver on what I deserve…then so be it, somebody else.