I have been so physically ill in the past week and a half that I can’t remember a time I felt so additionally challenged to my already lethargic mental and motivational state. It’s one thing to not have the motivational or physical energy to excel forward in life, but when married with the crippling hardship of not being able to breathe, it’s unbearable. I had a stomach virus and asthmatic bronchitis. My period decided to join the party to make it a gut stabbing trifecta of fun. I went to the hospital a week ago and received steroids and breathing treatments,  because even the attempted idea of picking up my son would cause my bronchial passages to constrict so severely that I would not be able to catch my breathe. It was very scary. I would never wish this to be anyone’s reoccurring actual reality. So, as I’ve been recovering, I’ve been forced to be very mentally and physically sedentary. Jashar has remained ill as well although his breathing never reached such a difficult state. No sleep for him of course so no sleep for me. Finally last night I believe he woke up only 4-5x. I actually felt rested this morning. Imagine if I could ever start getting stretches of 4-5 hours again, god forbid 8! What would I ever be expected to do with all of my energy?! Josh has actually been relatively supportive and calm while I’ve been ill. No unnecessary drama was added to my ailing situation. He even went to the beach, even on Valentine’s Day but made no money. I was left here with Jashar feeling somewhat lonely and sad. I know it’s just a holiday but I guess the essence of it’s symbolic nature still holds some power.

So now I find myself in this state of limbo between my previous reality and my future reality. The previous being where I could not bring myself to do a damn thing but let all the essentials to keep life going continue to pile up and taunt me in my lessened state, and the future reality -where everything feels somewhat back on track and I can try to find some meaning and point in this monotonous everyday drive to pay bills and secure rent payments and feed the child and continue to wonder if I will ever really be anywhere near as happy as the characters that of I have been binge watching recently on One Tree Hill. They make love seem so amazing and absolute and above all. I feel like I had that with Josh at one time before he tainted my state of infatuated denial and screwed it all up. Or did I ever have it, if it was always so one sided? Does he have it now and I’m the one missing in the equation? Or is he trying to convince himself into a reality that I once had, but that we never had together? Will we grow into it together? Or are those intense passionate fleetings wasted on stranger souls with chance encounters where everything is new and the idea of experience is limitless. Does a clean slate the only way true, unbridled love allows…

Josh tells me all the time that he loves to come home to me, that it is the favorite part of his day. He tells me he loves to hold me in bed at night. He thinks about it all the time, and it’s his favorite sense of comfort. But when he tells me these things I feel nothing. Shouldn’t my heart skip a beat? Shouldn’t my soul have an immense outpouring of love erupting like a geyser of pure unconditional emotion? Shouldn’t my heart melt into a sparkly pool of Xs and Os, because I am hearing exactly what I want to hear from the man that I love above all else? Is it because I do not believe in his words? Do I not feel the truth in them? Am I just awaiting the next dose of pain, my next dose of reality…Sometimes at night I wish I could just sleep in the bed with just my son, because with him I feel true love. I feel it radiating off of his soul and gluing itself to mine. Is there a point when once that truth is tainted we just go through the motions out of a pure fear of the unknown and not wanting to be alone…

Even now while I type these words, he called to tell me he was thinking about us walking on a beach in Thailand and that he loves me. When will this love wash over me again? I so desperately want it to. I want to feel it. I want to feel alive again.