Promises made less than 36 hours ago, and the anger has already annihilated them. Jashar is not sleeping and he is not eating well. He might be getting sick. Josh is having trouble sleeping, but more so lately. Probably from all the alcohol he is not drinking and the amount of counter productive garbage running through his mind. It is frustrating to have a child that doesn’t sleep, but it’s no excuse to unleash your anger monster and scream at the top of your lungs and exhibit the behavior he did last night. It only exacerbates the issues that are disrupting the child’s slumber to begin with. If a toddler who can’t talk is already upset, how is thunderous yelling within their safe space suppose to help? I was trying my hardest to get Jashar to go to sleep. Trying to keep a disgruntled child quiet so not to further upset the beast snarling in bed next to me. He becomes so angry and works himself up into a frenzy and blames us for not allowing him to sleep when it is only himself. He becomes the big bad wolf; huffing and puffing till he blows our entire world down. I almost had Jashar asleep and he sneezed causing Josh to explode into a rage and throw the floor fan. He walked out of the room. I had him down again and I was lying in bed, he walked back in and Jashar popped up and Josh began speaking to him in a strong tone which only made him cry more. He was\ in his face and I was afraid because of the state he was in, he would get too rough with him, holding him down in the crib. How can you punish a child for not feeling well? Isn’t it your responsibility as the parent to be understanding no matter how much it hurts or frustrates you? I tried to intervene and he grabbed me, shook me, and hurled me on the bed. I know he’s tired, I’m tired too. But how I feel obviously doesn’t matter. I barely slept because Jashar continued to re-awake and cry and I had to be on the alert as to not awake the sleeping monster once more. Neither of us could handle another encounter.

I have to work a closing shift tomorrow too and already know this is going to make it almost unbearable. I joined a gym to relieve some stress and did a kick boxing class earlier that morning. They have a free daycare and it allowed me a little time to myself. I felt the most energized I had felt since I could remember. This encounter completely destroyed any of those remaining good vibes. He apologized in the morning but what does it matter? I feel nothing from it. Right now, it means nothing to me. The thing I want most right now is for all of us to get sleep. For all of us to find peace. Mainly for Josh to find peace, because he is the obvious route of the problem. Please please please let my child sleep. Please please please help the father sleep. And maybe eventually I might get a little myself. I would love to stop aging like a meth addict. I would love to have my face back. I would love to have my mind back. I would love to have some sanity back. Just give me some Zzs back. The amount I need to recover might at this point be a completely impossible request, but I still have to dream.