This all started four years ago, much of it will be revisited…but for now we begin here…Josh, who is my greatest love and biggest mistake as well as possible best decision ever, because within these torments produced my beautiful son(however, currently feeling like a very distant reality), comes home to me last night with the same look of miserable despair that he left with when he walked out the door this morning and says to me, “I have been struggling to love you, but I never have.” The love of my life has been trying to convince himself of it apparently by calling me his angel and the gift that God gave to him and his virtuous woman blah blah. I know what this comes down to….attraction. He is not attracted to me; the woman whom for two years has not been able to be herself and have her own time to be carefree and fun because of pregnancy and a one year old toddler. The woman who hasn’t been producing ANY hormones, pheromones, or estrogen, the essential attractors to the opposite sex. Even my doctor told me, you’re basically going through menopause at 32. So now I am being further punished for this by the man that I love and wish to continue a family with and build a life with telling me these things. Fucking fantastic. My night is turning into a fucking party. So much for dinner. So much for my life! My very image of everything, every possibility ripped right out from under my nose. Funny thing is that I am strangely calm. Like this doesn’t surprise me and I should have expected this. It is a Tuesday after all. We can’t go too many days before he has to create some dramatic episode. That’s probably why I am so numb to it at this point.

He told me he had always been lying to me. See, I know what it comes down to! If he believed me to be the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and the sexiest and the best sex he’s ever had, these words would never come out of his mouth. Apparently I have never been that for him even though he was that for me. That’s what I felt the secret was to a long lasting relationship, those feelings that I had never felt before. So strong, so powerful…of course they had to be reciprocated…wrong! Someone told me once that the man who gives you goose bumps and chills…RUN!!! He gave me the most chills I had ever felt. My decisions were being made in a excited haze of alcohol and drug fueled love. In other words, where pregnancy happens. I was completely out of my mind and out of control. I gave him the out and he told me he loved me and was deeply offended that I would even suggest it. I came to realize that that was pride and ego talking. I was not ready but quickly adapted, as the woman you must. He is still struggling to adapt with slow progression and many fall backs. This man has so many demons it borderlines mental disorder. This man hates himself, he is not happy with himself. This is the type of man that falls in love with a manipulative bitch who rips him apart and hangs his heart out to dry only to use it to polish the $400 shoes she made him buy her just for the possibility of a reciprocity blowjob. And then after a few quick licks and moans swears it is the best sexual experience of his life! This type of man does not know what to do with a kind, intelligent, beautiful, witty, nurturing female that is apparently naive when it comes to love and just expects the open-hearted free fall that she has given in return.

Then he blamed it on porn. This is why he can’t love anybody, he’s never known how to love anybody, sex is boring, he’s numb to all of it. Because of his porn addiction. He’s been addicted since he was fourteen and it drains him of everything…drive, emotion, but he doesn’t know how to stop watching. I can’t compete with things I have no control over so I figured this was it for us. I told him I was going out and to stay and watch our poor son who was eating in his high chair listening to his parent’s ridiculous adult problems…and the bastard didn’t even give me the dignity! He threw the car keys on the ground and completed the drama by walking out the door crying into the pouring rain. I was just thinking what am I going to do? We were suppose to move into a bigger place next door…I guess Jashar Kai and I will move, and he will go to day care and I will go back to work full time. I’ve already felt like a single mom, I guess I need to start owning it! As I was giving my son his bath, Josh returned. I said many things to him including how I was such an idiot who always saw the good and possible greatness in him and ever only wanted love in return. Apparently I was going to be another stereotype with multiple baby daddies, and he would have to expect me to father a child with some other man because I did not want Jashar to grow up an only child and he would have to prepare for that. He was quiet as he listened then he screamed a lot about how I was always going to leave him eventually because everybody leaves him. He has nothing to offer me, how i could find someone better who could take care of me, he doesn’t deserve Jashar or myself. I told him that he is so obsessed with his failures that he won’t allow himself to accomplish anything! He needs to start welcoming those accomplishments and accept the love around him. He begged me not to leave if he promised to worked on himself and that he couldn’t stand the thought of me being with some other man, He’s already suppose to have been working on himself for two years now! He said he didn’t mean the things he said. He has this image of himself and of me that are an alternate disfigured reality.

He creates his own unhappiness and wallows in the misery that he manifests in his own mind. He is selfish and has low self image and little confidence when in reality he is intelligent, an amazingly talented artist, articulate -if he wants to be, personable -if he wants to be, strong, attractive, tall, my brother actually referred to him as a Greek god. When we are out people think he plays professional football. He has every attribute equivalent for success, but he lives inside the pain of his past and focuses on the negatives in everything and calls me negative when only an ultimate optimist could think that this will yield a happy ending. I am the ultimate masochist. He says he wants to be a better man for me but it’s scary and he doesn’t know how. Life is scary! Love is rare. I am rare. What i have done for him is rare, all the bullshit I’ve put up with is rare! Every piece of my being that i have invested in him is rare! He knows what he needs to do, he knows how to be a good man, because he has articulated the steps to me on multiple occasions. It’s his actions that are lacking. His will to catalyze those actions.

This morning he starts in again telling me that I am not sexy, our sex is boring, he has no drive and I am the one that is suppose to drive him. He is holding me responsible for his lack of attempt toward any self betterment and I let him know how unfair this is. I told him that he is not happy with himself and projecting it on me. If I was successful, it still would be a problem because then he “still wouldn’t be good enough, still would have nothing to offer me”. And he agreed and said I was right, more apologies, other people get to him, what they have makes him jealous, what they say makes him angry and stops his own dreams and ambitions from taking place. And yet once again I am the one who concerns myself too much with what other people think of me. Funniest thing is in Josh I thought I had found the true opposite of my father, who has given me so many confidence and self respect issues since I’ve been a child that I am still working on to overcome. Truth be told, he is the opposite of my dad… in ways in which we could benefit from right now -like knowing how to talk to anyone and get what he wants from them and knowing how to handle and multiply money…and he is exactly like him in all the very worst.