At first I thrive off of the drama, but then it reaches a point where it’s simply too much to bear. Then the anger takes over, and I am left wading inside of a drainage pool filled with emotional exhaustion. I want to fucking kill him, but first let me take a nap. After I awake I realize that not only has the shock worn off, but I have absorbed all of the crazy erratic bullshit and I not only begin to feed off of that energy but it is my turn to unleash it.

Last night I was still perturbed and sour, but I thought everything was fine. I was once again working around to forgiveness. Josh was remorseful and went to bed early, but just as I was getting ready to join him he comes out of our room and said he’s too anxious, he’s going to draw for a while. Fine. I don’t fall asleep because my son decides it’s another night of continuous awakenings. Nightmares, I can only assume. Any idea where they’re coming from? That was obviously a terrible joke. This is the point where I have reached cantankerous sarcasm. I did eventually fall asleep but re-awoke at 1:30 to find no sign of Josh or the car. I texted him to realize his phone was on the nightstand. Fucking great. He saunters in at 3 like it’s nothing and tells me he was in Africa sitting at an auction table where they were auctioning off porn clips so the girls could make money. Then he wrestled a grizzly bear. Somehow I found a way to fall back asleep but once again not for long. His alarm not only went off at 3, but 5, 6:30, 7, 7:30, 8….I should have thrown it out the room. He never woke up once because of his drunken stupor. I knew he had to have gone to Blondie’s. That’s three nights in a row now. It’s been a weekend of binge drinking, kava, and fast food. He wasted a perfect weekend to make money choosing to waste a bunch on bullshit and got sent home from work this morning because apparently “he looked like shit”. I gave him $260 for his student loan payments and I know that’s got to be the source funding all this bullshit, and additionally, he hasn’t even given me a dime toward the car wreck that he created. He says he gives me all his paychecks, what else do I want. Yes, Josh but that doesn’t even equal the amount of our main bills. He’s so fucking selfish he doesn’t see this or just doesn’t care. He went to the beach long enough to get money for his ditto but once that was done, anything that would help in assisting me further in taking additional financial pressure or stress off has just been excuse after excuse.

Last night before he had left and I thought it was going to be an uneventful evening, he told me he does it, because he starts to feel confined. I knew it. I was so angry today I didn’t even want to be around him. I told him I don’t want to be with someone who would rather be at a bar then be with me. I didn’t think I would ever be saying that again. Everything had been going so well. He responded with an ignorant defense of feigned innocence, “That’s not true, I love you, what did I do? I didn’t do anything. You’re just tripping.” He acts like he did nothing wrong and everything is in my head. Yes I’m just tripping. Oh, I so wish I was…

I know what you’re thinking and leaving is not as simple as it seems. There are not just positive factors on the opposite side of the rainbow. I just want him to be a responsible, thoughtful, appreciative and determined human being who stops lying to me! I couldn’t give a fuck who else he lies to, but not me. I don’t deserve it…I never did and I never will. I want to be that difference. Everything I have done for him, the unconditional love and understanding and patience I have granted him, so much of my life I have devoted toward him -I deserve to be that difference. It’s become my goddamn birthright.